Our culture is so weird.
I was listening to the radio, and the DJ, in a peppy voice, said something like, “This is such-and-such station, and here’s some music for your workday!”
Immediately thereafter, they played a song about a woman who gets so pissed at her philandering boyfriend that she goes psychopath on his swanky, upscale vehicle—totally destroys the thing, while congratulating herself on teaching him a lesson and preventing him from cheating on her, ever again.
Um. If this is good workplace music, like, . . . where do you work?
Carved My Name Into His Leather Seats
I confess, I absolutely love this song. “Carved my name into his leather seats . . .”—the woman in the song is even so brassy as to make it clear exactly who trashed the guy’s erstwhile beautiful vehicle.
It’s a perfect revenge fantasy.
And that’s all it is, fantasy. Because—try this in the real world, I dare you.
Actually, I don’t dare you. I’m not that mean. Sure, the woman will achieve her goal of preventing him from cheating on her, ever again. But she could’ve accomplished that by breaking up with him. But, no, she decides to also openly destroy his property.
Hello? You live in America. This dude is going to lawyer up faster than you can say “Carved my name into his leather seats . . .”—which, if you’re Carrie Underwood and singing the hit song Before He Cheats, isn’t all that fast. . . .
Carved My Name Into His Leather Seats . . . in the Workplace
I’m obviously taking this waaaaay too literally. But it was jarring to hear the DJ introduce the song as good for the workplace. I imagined how that business meeting might go:
MANAGER A: Our stats on the X Widget are worse this quarter. Y Company outsold us 5 to 1. This is bad. What can we do to boost our sales?
MANAGER B: I know, let’s go on over to the Y headquarters, at 2am, and just trash the place. Like, destroy it completely.
MANAGER A: Great idea! I knew we promoted you for a good reason.
MANAGER B: Why, thank you.
EMPLOYEE C: Yeah, let’s get our most athletic people, and break all their windows, and go inside and break all their electronics.
EMPLOYEE D: Let’s nuke the place!
MANAGER B: No, let’s not nuke the place. We want the outside wall still standing, so we can spray-paint our company name on the side. That way, they’ll know who did it. That’ll teach them a lesson. They’ll never dare to outcompete us, ever again.
MANAGER A: Another great idea! You deserve a raise. I’m putting you in for a raise.
MANAGER B: Why, thank you.
EMPLOYEE C: Let’s get Engineering involved. They’ll have some good ideas.
EMPLOYEE D: Let’s get Legal involved. They can—
MANAGERS A and B (together): NO LEGAL!!!!!!!!
Carved My Name Into . . .
Where do you risk carving your name?
This is hysterical and made my day for a few reasons:
1) it’s literally and figuratively how -some- companies/org/institutions work; it’s a never-ending charnel house scenario against your actual business opponents (the ones trying to take “your” money,) sometimes partners and (most unfortunately) occasionally your unpopular colleagues. Could you not ask me how I know this? We’ll pretend I’m making it up! Fiction, of the pulp variety.
1)
Ex. A: You want me to fire him? Why?
BECAUSE HE SUCKS, THAT’S WHY RICK! WANT THAT RAISE? GET US A POUND OF FLESH! ALSO, HERE’S A LIST OF ALL THE ENGINEERS IN THE COMPANY. FIGURE OUT WHICH 1/3RD WE’RE GOING TO FIRE. WE NEED TO TRIM FAT, YODA!
WHY ME?
YOU TRAINED MOST OF THEM! WHO ELSE IS QUALIFIED?
<> ok.
Good. To make sure you get a clean shot, throw sand to the face first.
TOOK A LOUISVILLE SLUGGER TO BOTH HEADLIGHTS.
Ex. B: Hey Rick, we have a problem over here with this guy. He’s sabotaging the project.
I thought I was called into St. Louis directly off another project without doing laundry. Hence, I smell like a butt and offended my fellow airline passengers to assist with an emergency technical problem.
Oh, he’s an ‘emergency technical problem,’ alright. Your mission is to gather the proof of his misdeeds, format it into a brief for our review, and we’ll sit there in his manager’s office (over the phone, of course) as you present the case that will result in his termination, with extreme prejudice. Then you’ll work with the rest of the team to fix his chaos, and we all come in for the big win.
SLASHED A HOLE IN ALL FOUR TIRES.
Maybe the “fiction” should end while we’re ahead and before I get sued, although I broke no laws. Just my heart a little.
2) Riding in a cab back from D.C.-somewhere with my ex-wife (this was the ancient days of cabs), the driver’s cell phone ring was a repeat of:
CARVED MY NAME INTO HIS LEATHER SEATS.
Kelley, WTF is this ring tone? It sounds like a banshee’s wail.
Carrie Underwood.
I don’t know who that is. What is she saying?
It’s a revenge fantasy delivered ice cold by a cheated-upon woman. We have the song ripped at home.
Listening and thinking: Ms. Underwood and I have similar sensibilities and/or life experiences.
-Rick
Glad it resonated with you 🙂
In honesty, I never had to “take care” of anyone for a raise. It just turned out to be an unexpected part of the job. -r