Bet you thought I forgot about the annual Christmas rant tradition. Or was too laid up to get ’er done. But no, think again! Here, henceforth, I bless you with . . .
. . . the 4th Annual Christmas Rant!!!!
First of all, (ah-hem, I say into the microphone, silver gown glittering) I would like to thank all of the complaints I made in 2021’s rant, without which none of this year’s rant would be possible.
Thank you, Covid.
Thank you, concussion.
Thank you, haunted aquarium with fish ghost that I made up for some reason.
And special thanks to the producer of all these rants, Santa herself.
And now, (peppy music blares . . . and fades out . . .) on to this year’s rant! Wrapping paper that you bought in 2007 on sale in January that’s hideously ugly, but you can’t stand to waste the pennies and trees by throwing it out, goll not with the state the economy and earth’s in, so you use it to wrap your youngest nephew’s gift, hoping he’s too young to notice how ugly the paper is, and there’s no accounting for taste, so maybe he will like it, I don’t know, heck, I can’t even remember how it feels to be young, that’s how old I am, and he’ll probably not be paying much attention to the aesthetics of the paper anyway, at the tender age of what, 4? but I myself will be paying attention to the aesthetics, and since this is a RANT, I am SURE that THIS will RUIN my CHRISTMAS!!!!
But to be honest (lowering my volume, microphone still picking up the dulcet tones of my voice, silver gown glittering), I don’t much feel like a rant this year. It’s been a rough year in LizaAchillesLand, on several counts. On the bright side: I got a job and like it very much. On the dark side: more concussion symptoms, a roller coaster ride of concussion symptoms, plus lots of other health problems, as if I didn’t have enough, plus you know, the news, and BTW, what’s up with my haunted aquarium with fish ghost I mean who has time for that?!!!
Happy Christmas, and a Merry New Year!!!! (say I, readjusting my glittering silver gown, because the fish ghost got in there somehow and I’m not sure whether it’s better to coax it into plopping out the bottom or hiding amidst my boobs until I’m off stage)