I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the mantra improv comics like to repeat: “Yes, And . . .”

Washington Improv Theater has a show running through August 4 called Starship Odyssey: The Final Mission (Improv Saves the World). I found it to be, as advertised, a funny sci-fi adventure. And I was astonished, as always while watching improv, by the actors’ ability to keep the show smoothly and humorously rolling forward. How do they do it?

“Yes, And . . .”

(Side note: Since this blog is about books, I’ll throw in that I may know this from reading Amy Poehler’s memoir Yes Please. I certainly don’t know it from taking any improv classes myself! According to my records, I read Poehler’s book four years ago. Surely she mentioned in there somewhere the importance of “Yes, And . . .” to comic improvisation? I don’t remember; I merely remember adoring the book.)

“Yes, And . . .” in Improv Comedy

Here’s what the mantra means. When one actor makes a statement, the second actor doesn’t contradict it. That would burst the bubble of the imaginary scene. Instead, the second actor affirms the imaginary world. Yes, the second actor implies, the statement the first actor made is, indeed, true to what is happening here.

But the second actor doesn’t stop there. Merely assenting would stop the flow of the action. The second actor must move things forward by adding something to the imaginary scene. And, the second actor must indicate, this other thing is happening, too.

The first actor, or a third, can then jump in with another “Yes, And . . .” to keep the scene going.

This helpful web page for improv comics explains the principle of “Yes, And . . .” very well.

“Yes, And . . .” in Business

At some point, some businessperson realized that “Yes, And . . .” is great advice for not just improv comics, but also entrepreneurs. Like comedians, people in the business world have to work with others to sustain shared, imaginative ideas. They must also add innovations to ideas already established.

Here’s an article that explains why “Yes, And . . .” works well in business relationships.

“Yes, And . . .” in Friendship

But a cursory search of the Internet and the Wikipedia page for “Yes, And . . .” did not bring up any references to the mantra’s use in building friendships. And that’s what I’ve been thinking about lately.

Sustaining shared, imaginative ideas; adding innovations to ideas already established—isn’t that what friendship is all about? How can you be friends with someone if the two of you don’t have any common ground, some shared understanding of reality? How can you be friends with someone if the two of you don’t build on that common ground to create new experiences together?

Let’s look at some examples of how you can use “Yes, And . . .” in building a friendship—and why things fall apart when you don’t.

Imagine, while reading the following examples, that you are at a social event, getting yourself a cup of coffee or tea.

Example #1: Unsuccessful Friendship Building

Your potential new friend just stated an imagined reality that the lids are missing. You failed to affirm this reality in any way. Instead, you just talked about yourself and your needs. Friendship fail!

Example #2: Unsuccessful Friendship Building

In this case, you didn’t so much validate your potential new friend’s imagined reality, as springboard past it to a new reality of your own. Instead of acknowledging the reality as stated, you used the other person’s statement as a gateway to venting your own negative emotions. Friendship fail!

Example #3: Unsuccessful Friendship Building

You were a Good Samaritan here. That’s nice of you; but you didn’t advance toward friendship, and the interaction ended with the solution to the problem. You never affirmed your potential new friend’s imagined reality. Friendship fail!

Example #4: Unsuccessful Friendship Building

You have succeeding in affirming your potential new friend’s imagined reality—good job! Yes, you indicated, the lids are, indeed, missing! However, the conversation got stuck because you didn’t follow up with anything after your affirmation. Friendship fail!

Example #5: Unsuccessful Friendship Building

Here you have succeeded in affirming your potential new friend’s imagined reality, while also being a Good Samaritan—excellent work! I really like that you used the word “hidden,” so the other person didn’t feel as if the placement of the lids should have been obvious. But the conversation is still getting stuck. How might you add something to this situation, so as to build a friendship?

Example #6: Successful Friendship Building

OR

Ta-dah! Look at this! You said “Yes, And . . .” by affirming the other person’s imagined reality, and then adding something to it. As you can see, this has the effect of inviting the other person to follow suit with a “Yes, And . . .” of their own. Soon, you will have the opportunity to add another “Yes, And . . .” to affirm the reality and pass the initiative back. And so the scene continues.

Example #7: Successful Friendship Building

OR

Ta-dah! As you can see, it doesn’t matter whether or not you are able to be a Good Samaritan and actually solve the problem. Your most important tasks in friendship building are to affirm the imagined reality, and then add to it.

You can also see that it doesn’t much matter what you add, as long as it’s said in a positive, non-complaining spirit. Then, if the other person also follows the “Yes, And . . .” principles, you will be able to sustain the conversation. Congratulations on making a new friend!

What About “No, But . . .”?

You have probably heard that learning to say “No” is an essential life skill. And so it is. But it’s possible to decline politely within the context of “Yes, And . . .”:

Example #8: Unsuccessful Friendship Building

You succeeded in setting boundaries—good work! However, you did so in a way that might damage your friendship with this person. At a minimum, even if your acquaintance has thick skin, you failed to take the opportunity to advance the friendship.

Example #9: Successful Friendship Building

Here, you said “Yes, And . . .” while also setting boundaries. First, you affirmed the shared reality that dancing is a fun activity for the acquaintance to engage in. Second, you added to the conversation by asking the acquaintance about the type of dancing and also sharing information about your cousin. This gives the acquaintance plenty of fodder for another “Yes, And . . .” response. And note that, amidst all of this, you were honest about your dislike for dancing.

And that’s how to decline while building a friendship.

Would you like to go on a long run with me this weekend?

A new article, written by yours truly, is live on the Silent Book Club blog. It’s called How to Organize and Host a Book Club. If you’ve ever considered starting a local chapter, this article is for you.

Silent Book Club is an international organization with dozens of chapters around the U.S. and world. At a Silent Book Club event, friends meet to talk about books (or any topic!), drink wine (or any beverage!), and read books (or any reading material!). Attendees bring their own book, e-book, or magazine—whatever they are currently reading. It’s an opportunity to chat with other book lovers and get some personal reading done.

Does this sound like fun? Check out the Silent Book Club website to search for a chapter near you. If there’s no chapter near you—or even if there is, but you’d like to meet at a different time or place—consider starting your own chapter. It’s not as hard as you might think.

As a bonus, if you’re looking to beef up the leadership section of your professional resume, organizing and hosting a group like this is a great way to do so. (I am convinced that serving as president of my local Toastmasters chapter, about five years ago, was key in landing my current position at a great company.)

As a second bonus, starting a book club is a great way to give back to your community. Has anyone ever kindly welcomed you in, when you were the newbie in town or in a social group? Starting a book club is one way that you can pay it forward and be the one welcoming people in.

Check out my article here to read 7 great tips for starting a book club of the silent variety. (We’re actually rather loud, to tell the truth!) Happy Wednesday, everyone, and happy reading!

The inquisitive one was sitting with a group of friends who had gathered to read books together. Some of the friends were old, some were new, some were happy, and some were blue. And one of them was starting to get red in the face. This was a new friend, who had forgotten to bring a book with her.

“Oh no,” she said. “This is embarrassing. Reading silently amidst friends is not going to be very fun without a book.”

“That’s okay, because I brought two books with me,” said the inquisitive one. “I was going to read this red one. Do you want to borrow this blue one?”

“Oh, yes, thank you!” said the new friend.

Soon after that, the group of friends read silently together. When they had stopped reading, the inquisitive one spoke up:

“I’m really enjoying this red book! How do you like that blue book?”

“Oh, this blue book is so good!” exclaimed the new friend. “In fact, this blue book is amazing. I am enjoying it so much. I hate to give it back to you!”

“You can borrow it!” said the inquisitive one. “Just come read with us again and return it to me. I received it as a birthday present and am very excited to read it, as I have never read that one before; but you can read it first.”

“Oh, thank you. You are so kind!” said the new friend.

And when the group of friends parted, the new friend took the blue book with her.

Many months passed, during which the inquisitive one saw no sign or trace of the new friend or the blue book. The inquisitive one thought often of that blue book. It was a trade paperback. Its cover was pristine and the color of the deep sea. Its pages lay flat and crisply together. It was a twentieth-century masterpiece known for its beautiful language and harrowing subject matter. It seemed like the type of book one could fall into and have trouble escaping from.

Alternate Ending #1

The new friend carried the blue book with her everywhere she went. She read a few pages every day. She read in the pool as the grandkids splashed beside her, and she read while walking through a morning mist that turned to drizzle. She read while drinking coffee and accidentally spilling it, and she read while eating those deliciously crumbly butter cookies, the kind that you should never eat in bed unless it’s laundry day and you have not yet done the sheets. She read while riding a Ferris wheel with the grandkids, and she accidentally dropped it while at the highest point. (She had to ask the attendants to retrieve it from the thorny bushes where it had fallen.) She read in the kitchen as her boyfriend cut up a pomegranate and then chopped up some beets, using a macho knife with maximum flourishes and pizza-dough-like tosses for effect. She folded down many of the pages, and she took copious notes in the margins. She tore out the least interesting pages, to teach the grandkids how to make origami cranes.

And finally, after months of reading, she finished the book!

Sometime after that, the new friend showed up at a meeting of the group of friends and handed the blue book to the inquisitive one.

“It was really good,” she said. “Thank you!”

The inquisitive one stared at the book in disbelief.

The inquisitive one opened the mouth, but nothing came out.

“But listen,” said the friend, “I actually ended up with two of these. Would you like this one instead?” And she slid a brand new copy of the book from her purse.

“Oh, haha, sure!” said the inquisitive one, in joy and relief.

And they had a long talk about the grandkids over two glasses of very red wine.

Alternate Ending #2

Unbeknownst to the inquisitive one and the new friend, the spine of the blue book was infested with microscopic worms. As the new friend was reading the book, some of the microscopic worms inched their way up her arms and into her ears. They began feeding on the new friend’s brain cells. The new friend soon lost the memory of ever having gone to the reading group.

“Where did I get this book?” she wondered, while pouring boiling water into the flowerpot instead of her mug.

“What happened at the beginning of this book?” she wondered later on, while reading the book on a Metro train that was quickly moving farther away from her intended destination.

“What is a book?” she wondered even later on, while wandering through a bookstore, looking for the dairy section.

The new friend took very good care of the blue book, but sadly never finished it.

Alternate Ending #3

The new friend finished the blue book within 24 hours. It was that good! Indeed, it was such a powerful novel that it changed the new friend’s life forever. The new friend realized, through the reading of the book, that major life changes must be made, and must be made right now. The new friend had several epiphanies, all prompted by the blue book, within those 24 hours, one of which was that she was living in the wrong country and engaging in the wrong activities. So she packed up the suitcases, grandkids, and boyfriend, and moved to Tonga in the South Pacific. Once there, she enrolled in college courses in real estate law, and signed up for lessons in snowboarding.

The new friend was so engrossed in all of this life upheaval that she was unable to make it back to the reading group in the Washington, D.C., area. Instead, she put a note in a bottle thanking the inquisitive one for introducing her to such a wonderful and powerful and truly life-changing book. She set the bottle off to sea, confident that it would have its own special adventures, too.

Alternate Ending #4

Many months after attending the reading group, the new friend showed up at the reading group again.

“Hi, do you remember me? Here’s your book back,” said the new friend to the inquisitive one. The inquisitive one took the gently used and obviously well-taken-care-of book from her hands, delighted to see that beautiful blue cover again.

“Hi, thanks so much!” said the inquisitive one.

“Sorry I haven’t come to the reading group until now. I finished it long ago, but I got so busy with the grandkids and everything else. I have been meaning to come and return the book to you.”

“It’s okay, no worries! Was it a good book?”

“It started out great! But the ending was kind of blah. Nothing really happened. It just seemed like ordinary life, nothing very exciting or interesting, you know?”

“Oh, that’s too bad,” said the inquisitive one.

“It made me wonder, couldn’t the author have written something more entertaining? Why am I reading this? This is putting me to sleep, and it’s not even teaching me anything, either.”

“Oh, that’s too bad,” said the inquisitive one.

And then they started talking about the new friend’s grandkids.

Their personalities didn’t mesh, and the conversation was somewhat awkward.

The inquisitive one, after that terrible ordeal in London, was in possession of a passport, but no money with which to return home to America. And so the inquisitive one began wandering along the River Thames, looking for a ship to stow away in.

The inquisitive one spent many hours and days hanging around places where there were ships and boats. The inquisitive one struck up many friendly conversations with people who seemed like seamen and seawomen, trying to tease out any information that might help.

One day, the inquisitive one met a rich, middle-aged couple who, bored with corporate life, had decided to take some time off work and have an adventure. They were planning to sail a small sailboat across the Atlantic Ocean! The inquisitive one complimented them on their bravery and sense of adventure and expressed great interest in learning more about their proposed travels. And so they became friends, particularly since the couple appreciated the inquisitive one’s sense of humor.

One day, the couple invited the inquisitive one to join them on the sail across the Atlantic. “We’ll buy all the food you need for the trip, if you help us manage the sails and do other tasks that need to be done.”

“I would be honored to join you on your adventure,” said the inquisitive one.

“Plus, the two of us know each other well and are tired of each other’s jokes. So we will be happily entertained if you will keep joking around during the voyage.”

“I can do that. I’m like a court jester!” said the inquisitive one, doing a little jig.

“Plus, if things go terribly wrong, and we have to resort to cannibalism, you will come in handy.”

“I used to suck my thumb when I was a kid. That’s some tasty stuff!” said the inquisitive one, pretending to gnaw on a thumb, and hoping they found this joke funny, while reflecting that it was not actually funny in the least.

Luckily, they thought this was hysterical. And so the three of them embarked on their adventure. The inquisitive one learned how to sail a sailboat and endured many hard times on that boat—too many to recount here. There never came a time when they needed to resort to cannibalism; and one day they landed at Plymouth Rock.

The inquisitive one kissed the dry ground with excitement and patriotism! No one bothered to check the passport, for some reason, there at Plymouth Rock. (This was probably a good thing, since it had gotten repeatedly wet and salty and was no longer very readable.) And so the inquisitive one hitchhiked back to the beloved Washington, D.C.

Soon after returning home, the inquisitive one saw a bunch of friends at a party. The friends all crowded around the inquisitive one, asking about the trip to Europe and begging to see photos.

“I didn’t take any good photos, sorry!” said the inquisitive one. “But I promise you, it was an adventure! I met some interesting people, ate tea and crumpets, saw some sights, and took sailing lessons on the River Thames!”

“Cool!” said the friends. “And by the way, your email was hacked.”

“Oh. Yeah. Sorry about that!” said the inquisitive one. And the partyers moved on to other topics.

Later, the inquisitive one met up with a few—just a very few—very close friends. These were discreet, trustworthy people with enormous hearts. To these friends, the inquisitive one told the whole story: the theft of the money and passport, the drug dealers, the political agitators, the prince, the U.S. Embassy, the sailing couple, and everything else. And the friends were compassionate and kind and always still discreet and trustworthy.

And none of the friends, even once, during that whole evening, suggested eating any other of them.

Check out my new article on the Silent Book Club blog. It’s called Where Have You Been All My Life?

Have you ever experienced a stunning moment when you felt struck by the simplicity of an idea, and instantly sure of your next move? I did, two years ago. Read all about it here!

In the meantime, as you’re reading that article, and as you and I wait for our next huge thunderbolt of a realization or discovery or unique happenstance . . . I’ll be in the air over the Atlantic Ocean! More on that next time. Meanwhile, keep on reading, folks. You never know what you might find when you open a cover and venture into strings of words. . . .