The inquisitive one went on a long run through a forest in Maryland. It ended up being a longer run than expected. The inquisitive one never started to feel tired, and so kept running and running and running and running.

At some point, the inquisitive one noticed that there were many colorful animals nearby. There were brightly colored birds and brightly colored frogs! The inquisitive one had never seen such animals in the Washington, DC, area before.

“How strange and wonderful!” thought the inquisitive one.

But what was even stranger and more wonderful was that all of the colorful birds were flying like crazy in the opposite direction, past the inquisitive one. The colorful frogs were likewise hopping like crazy past the inquisitive one.

“They must love exercise as much as I do!” thought the inquisitive one, happily.

But a few minutues later, the inquisitive one realized that the entire forest was on fire, all around, everywhere! The inquisitive one stopped running and just stood there panting, afraid and horrified.

“Oh no, I must’ve run all the way to the Amazon rainforest!” thought the inquisitive one.

The fire was brighter than the brightest color displayed by any of the birds or frogs. It was hot, and everywhere, and closing in on the path that the inquisitive one had run in on. A moment later, the inquisitive one was trapped!

Surrounded by encroaching flames and terrified, the inquisitive one started to cry. Many, many tears escaped from the inquisitive one’s eyes. So many saltwater tears flowed that streams and rivers formed, and, suddenly, the fire was mostly extinguished, and the air felt cooler.

Of course, the inquisitive one could not possibly have produced enough tears alone to make this happen. You see, people all around the world were also crying about the Amazon fires. So many tears escaped from eyes all around the world that many streams and rivers were forming in every nation. Fires died out. And the water levels of the oceans rose. And then, suddenly, major cities were flooding all over the world!

The inquisitive one was standing in a rising pool of water, in the middle of a burnt-up forest. There was no way to run back home—it would soon have to be a swim! The nearby trees were too burnt to climb! There were no pieces of driftwood to hold onto, because everything was charred and disintegrating in the rising water!

But then a very large, very colorful bird flew over and landed in the pool next to the inquisitive one.

“I know where a spaceship is,” said the bird. “It’s time to go home to our ancestors’ planet. Hop on!”

“You mean Proxima Centauri b?!” the inquisitive one gasped.

“Of course, silly!” said the bird.

So the inquisitive one hopped onto the bird’s back. The bird flew them to Antarctica, where a spaceship was waiting. (Luckily, the spaceship was heated, because the inquisitive one’s running outfit was completely inadequate for the weather at that point.) They got into the spaceship and flew up, up, up: above the clouds. But at that point, the spaceship jolted, and slowed, and stopped, midair. The bird gasped, staring at the spaceship’s instruments.

“Oh no!” cried the bird. “The ozone layer is so thick with pollutants that we can’t escape the earth’s atmosphere!”

“Oh no!” said the inquisitive one.

“Hold on tight! I’m going to fire up the extra-super-propulsion chemical jet-booster secret-formula flame rockets! Hopefully that will do the trick.”

The inquisitive one held on; but suddenly there was nothing to hold onto anymore. You see, all those fumes in the ozone blew up in a massive conflagration when they came into contact with the extra-super-propulsion chemical jet-booster secret-formula flame rockets. The entire sky lit on fire, all around the earth! And this giant fire-blanket fell straight down to the earth!

As a result, tons of ocean water evaporated. The water levels fell back to where they were that morning! However, all that fire caused the Amazon to start blazing again, at the same level of that morning!

Luckily, the inquisitive one and the bird were both wearing super-retardant proprietary explosion-proof reflective-haze non-un-dis-inflammable spacesuits, so they did not suffer at all when the spaceship blew up around them. The bird flew quickly down to catch the inquisitive one. And they flew to the nearest landmass that wasn’t on fire, which happened to be New Zealand.

“New Zealand is beautiful!” exclaimed the bird, as the inquisitive one climbed off. “I have always wanted to visit the ancestors’ home planet. But I think I’d like to stay here for a while before attempting to leave again. Would you like to stay here with me?”

“It is beautiful here!” agreed the inquisitive one. “But I prefer to live in the Washington, DC, area. Nice to meet you, cousin. Keep in touch!”

And the inquisitive one sailed home.

The inquisitive one had been spending a lot of time on social media.

The herbs in the garden were documented on Instagram. The new kitchen gadget and new running shoes were documented on Facebook. The vintage furniture steal was documented on Pinterest. And every waking thought was documented on Twitter.

All of this photo posting and thought tweeting was starting to pile up in the inquisitive one’s brain like a goopy mess of potato peels. It was as if every peel of potato had an eye, and every eye was staring judgmentally at the inquisitive one!

“I live in an era of oversharing,” the inquisitive one thought. “I participate in that, and I enjoy participating in that; but maybe I need a break from that!”

So the inquisitive one canceled the original plan for the evening, which was to go to a hip new D.C. bar. Presumably, the evening would have consisted mainly of taking a series of selfies with an exotically prepared martini, mulling over which photos came out best, fiddling with various filters, and stressing about what to write as captions.

Instead, the inquisitive one went on a long run through a woodsy area. It was a lovely evening, and the trees were cast in brilliant golds and fading grays.

“Ah! This is where it’s at,” thought the inquisitive one. “Here in this woodsy area, I am all alone, doing my thing, undocumented, unshared, invisible, happy in my element: oh joy!”

However, unbeknownst to the inquisitive one, a Google car was driving by at that very moment, taking photos for the Street View of Google Maps. Moreover, a wedding had just taken place in the woodsy area, and the wedding photographer, plus family members and friends of the couple, were taking numerous photos of the scene.

Furthermore, someone had recruited a friend to make a video of him doing calisthenics, which he planned to post on YouTube and also use in his audition for a reality TV show. And someone else was taking a video of her dog, to whom she was teaching elaborately silly tricks. She planned to post the video on multiple social media sites and also submit it to a funny video contest.

The inquisitive one accidentally photo- and videobombed every single one of these people. As a result, the inquisitive one’s likeness ended up on the web multiple times—in many instances very clearly and with ridiculous-looking poses and expressions—all in spite of the original, innocent intent of the long run through the woodsy area.

Oh, and another thing. I had hired an artist* to follow the inquisitive one around and, through portraiture, document with precision what the inquisitive one looks like. Thus I hoped to prove, for all time, that the inquisitive one and I are completely different people!

You can see the result of this artistry above (and you can, as you wish, contrast this illustration of the inquisitive one with my own new look—for a brand new selfie of me now appears on my Home page!—and you can see for yourself the many vast differences between us).

But the point is, this fabulous portrait of the inquisitive one was surreptitiously completed, by the artist I secretly hired, during that very same run, that very same evening, unbeknownst to the inquisitive one.

It’s a beautiful work of art.

I intend to plaster the Internet with it.

*Many thanks to the brilliant Washington, D.C.-area artist Jim Nuttle. I was pleased to discover that he is a genius in both the graphic and mind-reading arts and a true professional. Check out some of his other cool art projects on Twitter, Instagram, and his website.

The inquisitive one was running on a treacherously winding path through the woods. Rocks and roots were—as is typical of the D.C. area—poking up and snaking everywhere. The inquisitive one, who had just passed the 5-mile mark of an 8-mile run, was thinking about lots of random things. Suddenly, a foot hit a root, and the inquisitive one flew helplessly forward, straight through the air!

Unlike the last time this happened, all four of the inquisitive one’s limbs slammed into the ground. The two knees, left palm, and right elbow skidded across the rocky and rooted ground, as the inquisitive one executed an ungraceful turn and landed hard on the back of the right shoulder. The cheekbone banged, last of all, onto the dirt.

The inquisitive one lay in stunned silence. And then, slowly, gingerly, the inquisitive one sat up.

“Wow,” thought the inquisitive one. “Am I okay?”

Testing and assessing the body parts, the inquisitive one determined that the injuries were mostly superficial, except for the right shoulder, which was mostly not.

“I’m okay,” thought the inquisitive one. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

While slowly running toward home, the inquisitive one thought, “I’m almost glad that I fell. I’ve been fearful of falling for a while now. Every time I trip on a root and almost fall, I feel afraid. Now that I’ve experienced falling, it doesn’t seem so terrible.”

While attempting to strip off the dirty, bloody clothes with an injured shoulder, and to shower with an injured shoulder, the inquisitive one thought, “I’m glad that I fell. It means that I’m tough. Everybody should be as tough as me. Look at how tough I am, trying to lift my arm to shampoo my hair!”

The next day, while experiencing severe soreness and pain in the shoulder with every movement, the inquisitive one thought, “I’m actually glad that I fell! I participate in this particular sport, which results in injury once in a while. Trail running is like mountain biking, snowboarding, and attempting to beat someone up in ring, as they attempt to beat you up! I chose a dangerous sport in which to participate, but I love this sport. My dedication to it is such that I will gladly suffer injuries in its name!”

The next day, while trying to turn the steering wheel and not really succeeding, the inquisitive one thought, “Do you know what? I’m like Superman! Kryptonite might get me down every once in a while, but that can’t stop me for long! Maybe I’m even like Nietzsche’s Superman, which, though I’m not one-hundred percent sure what that entails, sounds, if vaguely creepy, also vaguely sublime!”

Two or three weeks later, the inquisitive one’s shoulder was almost back to normal. Smiling at the thought of a personal über-toughness that could never be eradicated, the inquisitive one decided to go on a long run through a dense forest. And so the inquisitive one took off running, farther and deeper into the woods.

The trail upon which the inquisitive one was running was carefully selected by said superhero. County park staff had meticulously leveled and manicured this trail. It contained virtually no rocks or roots.

The inquisitive one was having a busy day!

Before work, the inquisitive one went on a run. (The inquisitive one did a speed workout.)

At lunchtime, the inquisitive one took a friend’s dog for a walk. (The friend was out of town and had recruited several people to help care for the dog.)

After work, the inquisitive one took the nephew to soccer practice. (The inquisitive one was helping as an assistant coach.)

“How are you?” said the head coach, when the inquisitive one and the nephew had arrived.

Since the nephew was busy shouting “Watch this!” to another boy, the inquisitive one answered:

“Good! Busy day.”

“What did you do?”

“In the morning, I went on a fartlek run—”

The inquisitive one paused, feeling embarrassed at having said that word while surrounded by 6-year-old boys. But no one seemed to have noticed. So the inquisitive one continued:

“During lunch break, I took my friend’s Shih Tzu on a walk—”

The inquisitive one paused again, feeling even more embarrassed.* But again, no once seemed to have noticed.

It was time for practice to begin, so the head coach said “Cool!” to the inquisitive one and then called out to the young boys:

“Okay, everyone, come over here and sit on your ball!”

All the boys gathered ’round, most sat on their balls, and a few looked attentively at the head coach as he demonstrated how to do a soccer move. Suddenly, one of the boys shouted:

“My name is Poopy Pants!”

All the boys burst out laughing. The head coach continued talking about soccer. He had just quieted them down . . . when the inquisitive one, having reached the last straw in the personal tickle meter, suddenly laughed!

It was a short and loud laugh; and the inquisitive one immediately got very quiet.

Everyone within earshot—young boys, head coach, parents on the sideline, bored siblings—turned and stared at the inquisitive one.

And then, a moment later, and all at once, everyone burst out laughing.

You see, the inquisitive one’s laugh had sounded like a cross between a small dog’s bark, a fart, and a little kid pooping his pants.

And, I mean, that’s funny.

*The inquisitive one could've avoided embarrassment by pronouncing the name of the dog breed correctly.

The inquisitive one was running through a forest on a winding path. Rocks and roots were poking up and snaking everywhere. The inquisitive one was thinking about lots of random things. Suddenly, a foot hit a root, and the inquisitive one flew helplessly forward, straight through the air!

“Oh no, I’m about to fall!” thought the inquisitive one.

The inquisitive one might have had many other thoughts at that point; but there was no time! In the next instant, the inquisitive one came to the realization that the feet had rapidly and crazily found ground to scramble over, as the arms had flown out perilously without touching ground.

“Wow!” thought the inquisitive one, running more slowly now. “My unconscious mind must be very powerful! I did not think about doing anything. There was no time to think. And yet, I did something miraculous—I saved myself from a possible injury!”

That evening, the inquisitive one attended a party. Wisely, instead of thinking, the inquisitive one drank a lot of alcohol and blabbed all night, until the host explained that the party was over.

The next day, the inquisitive one went to the local college to take a test. Wisely, instead of thinking, the inquisitive one used intuition to answer all the questions.

That evening, the inquisitive one agreed to go across the way to a neighbor’s house to help with an IKEA shelf that, according to the neighbor, had baffling assembly instructions. Wisely, instead of thinking, the inquisitive one used anschauung* to assemble the shelf.

The next day, the inquisitive one, remembering that test grades were now available online, clicked a button to log on to the course’s site. Then the phone started to ring, and the name of the party’s host appeared on the screen. And the doorbell rang, and the inquisitive one, glancing out the window, saw the neighbor at the door.

“Ahhh—what should I attend to first?!” wondered the inquisitive one.

That was the point when, without thinking too hard about it, the inquisitive one did something.

*Many thanks to R.D. for introducing me to this interesting Kantian word.