Oh heyyyyy, it’s that little rodent, tunneling into your inbox, throwing earthy tidbits all over the place and scurrying over your personal correspondence, munching on your spam, and getting into ridiculous amounts of intellectual trouble. . . .
Liza Achilles here, still suffering from my concussion setback, but recovering rapidly. I haven’t been able to do much reading or computer work during the past week, as my visual processing system is temporarily out of whack. But my auditory processing system is working pretty well! If not at 100 percent, at least in the upper 80s. . . .
Sooooooo, I’ve been binge-listening to a podcast that my dear friend and almost-sort-of relative and fellow concussion club member A.T. shared with me, several months ago. In fact, she implored me, sweetly but very urgently, to listen to Alie Ward’s Ologies podcast, in particular the episode called Ludology (VIDEO GAMES) with Dr. Jane McGonigal. In it, McGonigal talks about getting a concussion, and then using her knowledge of video games to create a game for concussion sufferers that really, truly, helps them recover. How cool is that?!!
So I had to listen. And I thought it was weird but, you know, cool. And then I listened to another episode, ’cause I had a concussion and couldn’t do much of anything else. And then I got super busy with life, as my symptoms improved.
And then, just over a week ago, I drove, in my car, as far as I have been driving, thinking all was well. When actually it was not. Because (and this is my theory) I had my wiper blades on. And my visual processing system is not yet healed to the point where it can handle that kind of serious action and adventure. Or perhaps (and this is my doctor’s theory—but who you gonna believe, me, or some dude who’s probably never even read Infinite Jest cover to cover?) my brain was simply tired after a long day, and a long week, and couldn’t manage the cranial processing of a nighttime drive, wiper blades or no wiper blades.
Either way . . . 🎵BLAME IT ON THE RAIN, YEAH, YEAH🎵 (speaking of the upper 80s). . . .
Anyway, this sad and rainy event brought me back to that sad and tearful place where I could not do much of anything . . . but it wasn’t all that sad, because it gave me the opportunity to binge-listen to a podcast . . . about SCIENCE!!!!
That’s right, so get your geek on!!!! But don’t be too uptight about it—no sticks up butts, please (unless the episode is on thermal rectalogy, in which case, I guess, if you really want, go ahead)—because this is also a comedy show!!!!
So head on over to the Ologies podcast by Alie Ward, because she’s totally cool and not at all weird. Certainly—and this is just a guess—not weird enough to have read Ulysses cover to cover. (Okay, that one I haven’t done . . . I cheated and skipped a large chunk in the middle. Don’t tell my former college prof.)
But, anyway, now, since you’ve made it to the end of this blog post, I’ll tell you a secret. Thespacebaronmylaptopstoppedworking. It really did. I had to hook up an external keyboard, which I luckily had lying around my office, to write this blog post. So now I need to schlep on over to Best Buy, and I’ll need to wear sunglasses in there, because my eyes still can’t handle florescent lights. (Setback or no setback, florescent lights and my eyes do not mix, at least not yet. It’s really bad.) So the Geek Squad person is gonna be like, who is this freak wearing sunglasses inside Best Buy, in the middle of freakin’ February? Is this a run-of-the-mill weirdo, or is this a movie star in disguise, or what? And I’m gonna be like, Fix my laptop, it’s busted. There’s a warranty or some shit. And the geek is gonna be like, OMG, Scarlett Johansson??!! And I’ll be like, Shh, not too loud, or my bodyguards won’t let me do stuff like this anymore. And the geek will be like, Yes, ma’am! I’ll fix your spacebar! As fast as I can, ma’am! Which, you better believe it, isn’t gonna be very fast, because, you know, technology. And the moral of the story is, be a movie star. Then you won’t have to listen to geeks in real life, only on podcasts, and you can go ahead and not buy that beach house, and instead buy a new laptop, one with a functional space bar, and then you can Google “beach houses” and look at photos and videos of them, while you’re taking breaks from memorizing lines for your next movie, and when you email your producer, you can do so with proper spaces between words.
Oh, and my other secret—yeah I’ve got two secrets for you, lucky you!—is that I’ve secretly fallen in love with Alie Ward. And I’m starting to talk like her. Or at least write like she talks. But I’ll let you be the judge. And if I show up to the next concussion club member party bash event (yeah, those can get pretty darn wild!) and my hair is dyed red, you’ll know exactly why.