
Do you feel lonely or socially isolated? If so—wait for it—you’re not alone.
Recently, I was a panelist at an event called “Conquering Social Isolation and Loneliness.” Today, I will share the insights I shared at the event, for those who couldn’t make it in person.
Tip #1: Know that you have the power to reduce your isolation and loneliness.
It’s obvious that if you want to reduce your isolation and loneliness, you have to interact with people more. What’s not obvious is how to do so (for this, see the following tips). Also not obvious? That it’s in your power to do so.
If you’re in the habit of thinking thoughts like “I’ll always be lonely” or “I’m an antisocial person”—stop that right now. If you find yourself thinking such thoughts, pause and force yourself to change your mindset.
Because such thoughts are not true. Circumstances are always changing, and you have the power to make changes in your circumstances. And you can change aspects of your personality—sure, you have personal tendencies, but they are not set in stone. Changes to your social life are within your power. Don’t let your thought patterns hold you back.
Tip #2: Keep joining social groups until you find a good fit.
It’s common for people to try something, discover that it doesn’t work, and give up. The key here is not to give up. Keep attending different social events until you find one (or more) that you like. There isΒ a social group out there for you. It just might take some experimentation to find it.
First, think about what your interests are. Then look for social groups that center on those interests.
I recommend searching for your interests on Meetup.com. It’s free to create an account on Meetup, and most groups don’t charge for you to attend an event. I recommend attending events that meet in person, because it’s difficult to make friends through online interactions only.
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I also recommend googling your interests, along with the name of your city or community, and see what organizations and events pop up.
Another approach is to develop a new interest by joining a social group that does something you don’t already know how to do. People at the group will be glad to help you learn, as long as you don’t expect them to teach you everything as if it’s a class. Come prepared to learn on your own, while asking for help on an as-needed basis.
If you have the financial resources, you can also meet people by signing up for a class. However, depending on the type of class, it may be difficult to socialize while everyone is focused on learning.
Tip #3: Once you find a social group you like, become a regular.
So many people come to the Meetup groups I host, and that’s wonderful! However, so many people come to one event only, never to be seen again.
It’s fine to go to only one event and never return, if you didn’t enjoy the event. But I suspect lots of people fail to return not because they had a bad time, but because they get busy and distracted with other aspects of their lives.
Only attending events once isΒ a problem because it takes several events to start getting to know people and feeling like you’re part of the community. So, once you’ve decided that a social group is a good fit for you, become a regular at that social group. That’s when the magic starts to happen.
Tip #4: Once you become a regular, invite people to hang out, outside of the group.
If you wait for someone to invite you to hang out, you could be waiting for a very long time. A better option? Do the inviting yourself. Some people will say no because they are busy. Or maybe they are stuck up. Who cares? Don’t let that bother you; keep inviting people until someone says yes.
You can invite someone for coffee/tea to talk about a common interest. You can invite a few people over to your place to play board games. You can invite someone or a few people to a live music event or a movie or a comedy show. You can invite someone to your favorite dog park or ice cream shop.
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Gender dynamics can get tricky here. You can always state upfront that it’s not a date, but rather a friend outing, if you’re concerned you might be misunderstood. Some people are weird about this, but they needn’t be—I hang out with people of all genders, and all relationship statuses, all the time. It shouldn’t be a big deal to hang out with someone as friends, as long as people are on the same page about that.
Tip #5: Work on your social skills and confidence.
Do tips #2-4 seem challenging, like something you could never do, at least not successfully? Then take a step back and focus on developing your social skills and confidence levels. These are skills that can be learned! Then return to tips #2-4 and see how you do.
I recommend ToastmastersΒ for developing social skills. This is an international organization with numerous local chapters. There’s surely a chapter near you. There is a fee to join, but you will gain so many skills it’s worth it. I joined Toastmasters for two years, and it helped my social skills beyond belief.
I recommend books by BrenΓ© Brown for developing confidence. Start with Daring GreatlyΒ and then move on to Rising Strong. These books blew my mind and expanded my ability to connect with others.
You can also, naturally, find a psychotherapist who can help you with your confidence levels and with overcoming any social anxiety you may feel. As with finding a social group, you may need to try several different therapists until you find one who’s a good fit for you.
Tip #6: Start your own social group.
When I read about Silent Book Club in a magazine, I knew I had to be a part of it. But there was no chapter near me. I knew I wouldn’t have the motivation to travel a ways to attend on a regular basis.
So I started my own chapter. Starting your own social group has several advantages over joining an already existing group:
- You get to decide when the group meets—you can fit it perfectly into your calendar.
- You get to decide where the group meets—you can choose a nearby location.
- You get to decide what the group does together—you can choose to do what you like to do.
- You are forcedΒ to actually attend events and not back out if you’re feeling lazy.
- You are forced to become a regular and meet everyone who comes.
- People will look up to you as the leader. Really, people treat you more nicely than usual.
There are also a few disadvantages:
- If you put the group on Meetup, there are fees.
- If you don’t put the group on Meetup, you will need another strategy to attract new members, which can be difficult.
- You will have to spend time organizing the group.
- Being a leader takes emotional energy—this is worth the effort, but only if you’re not overextended in other areas of your life.
Questions?
Any questions? I’ve been leading the Silent Book Club of Rockville since 2017, and it’s been one of the best experiences of my life. Let me know if you want to know more about joining a social group, or even putting yourself out there and leading one. I’d be glad to help.
Mentioned in this post: Two Novembers by Liza Achilles Buy it now
Also mentioned in this post: Daring Greatly by BrenΓ© Brown Buy it now
Also mentioned in this post: Rising Strong by BrenΓ© Brown Buy it now