cartoon art of the inquisitive one running through trees

The inquisitive one heard a DING!

So the i.o. clicked and read the following email:


This is a message from your employer. In case you were wondering, we would like to state upfront that THIS EMAIL IS LEGAL AND TRUSTWORTHY. We feel compelled to tell you this because we got word that some people no longer think we are acting legally or trust us, for some unknown reason.

If you hear about any of your colleagues who are doing illegal and untrustworthy things, such as being inquisitive, you must rat them out immediately. If you rat them out immediately, we will know that you, like us, are legal and trustworthy. You can reach us anytime to rat out your coworkers for being illegally and untrustworthily inquisitive at theorangehouse.gov/rat. We value your cooperation in this matter.

Also, we highly suspect that you are illegal and untrustworthy, not to mention incompetent and lazy, so please quit your job. If you quit your job, you are a true patriot!!!!!!!!!!! We promise we will pay you through September. Don’t worry, we keep our promises (especially to all those who rat out their inquisitive colleagues immediately).

There have been many questions about this new policy of everyone quitting their job. If you have questions, please visit our FAQ page at theorangehouse.gov/freedom-isnt-work-its-quitting-thats-totally-a-joke-get-it-lol. However, please be aware, we anticipate delays in our response, because we are planning to quit ourselves. This is just too good of an opportunity to pass up, plus we are true patriots.

If you would like to quit your job out of a pure love of patriotism and freedom, simply reply to this email with the following words in the subject line: I’M OUT OF OFFICE & ON A TROPICAL ISLAND, F*CKERS!!!!

[Image: Logo of the Department of Inquisitive Runners]
The Department of Inquisitive Runners is an equal opportunity employer. We value inquisitiveness, running, and having employees.

The inquisitive one backed slowly away from the computer, afraid of making any quick moves. Once out of sight of the camera, the i.o. went outside, grabbed the nearest shovel, and started digging.

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“You know you can’t actually dig to China,” observed the wise ant, who happened to be crawling on the dirt nearby. “That’s a conspiracy theory. Fake news.”

“I’m not digging to China!” cried the i.o.

“Then why are you digging a hole in the ground in your backyard?”

“I’m going to hang out with some cicadas I know.”

“Oh, yeah? Some of my best friends are cicadas. Which brood?”

Brood I!”