The following is a guest post by Patrick Bex. He reached out to tell me about his debut book of poetry, Limitless, which was published last week. I reviewed his book for my paid subscribers. (Click here to join and unlock this and other bonus articles for only $4/month!) Intrigued by the concept of aromanticism and asexuality, I invited Patrick to write a guest post for the blog for the discerning reader, in which he would review a nonfiction book on this topic. He kindly agreed.
Enjoy this guest post by Patrick Bex about a helpful book about navigating life when you’re on the aromantic spectrum, the asexual spectrum, or both (or when you know someone who is).
SO OFTEN IN LIFE, we find ourselves wishing relationships came with a manual to guide us step-by-step through the pitfalls, the hills, the valleys, and even the mundane plains of interpersonal interaction. For some, these experiences are second nature—they know exactly how to handle any situation before it even happens. However, not everyone has that advantage. This is especially true for marginalized and underrepresented groups of people that most don’t fully understand. One specific group who could use such a manual are folks on the aromantic spectrum or asexual spectrum, or sometimes both.
People assume that members of these identities are not interested in relationships. Speaking as an aroace (someone who is both aromantic and asexual), this could not be further from the truth. I love the idea of romance and would not be against a romantic relationship should I find it with someone. Where I fall on the aromantic spectrum is a combination of two aromantic terms—“cupioromantic” (someone who wants a romantic relationship, though they experience little to no romantic attraction) and “aegoromantic” (someone who enjoys the concept or idea of romantic love but experiences little to no romantic attraction to anyone themselves). This can be incredibly difficult to navigate, and I’ve long hoped for that manual to teach me how to do it.
Thanks to author Cody Daigle-Orians, known on social media as AceDadAdvice, we finally have that manual. Their newest book, The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide: Making It Work in Friendship, Love, and Sex, released on October 21, 2024, during Ace Week. The book is structured like a handbook breaking down relationship building into ten relationship tools such as commitment, compromise, boundaries, and communication.
Very early on, it is evident that Cody is deconstructing our ideas of relationships from a much different angle than society often does. After explaining a series of normative societal expectations such as compulsory sexuality, amatonormativity (the societal belief that everyone desires a romantic relationship), and mononormativity (societal pressures of monogamy), Cody bluntly states the following:
“Sure, the desire for romance and/or sex can feel as urgent and necessary as breathing for some. But that urgency, that sense of the necessary, isn’t a universal experience, nor is it a human default.
“Sex and romance do not need to be present in order for a relationship to thrive.
“Once you take romance and sex out of the relationship equation, you begin to see what relationships truly are: spaces we build with other human beings that provide mutual support in the journey to be our best selves. And when we can see relationships in that way, we can see that all kinds of relationships are able to nurture those spaces. All types of relationships can help us reach that goal.
“And when that becomes the way we see relationships, hierarchies fall away.”
The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide is more than a guidebook. It is an opportunity to reflect. At the conclusion of each chapter and sometimes in the middle of them, we pause with Cody in a moment of reflection and action. This is a chance for us to apply what we’ve just learned into the relationships we foster beyond the pages and an invitation to strengthen those connections through our actions.
While written for asexual and aromantic individuals, the lessons in this book are universal to anyone looking to build relationships—whether they be romantic, platonic, or any other sort of connection. I would argue that it would make an especially helpful tool for anyone in a relationship with someone who identifies with these terms to see the world and their own relationship through their partner’s eyes.
Even more than that, I would argue that this book is as much about teaching as it is permission being granted to seek out the relationships best suited for us. It is a moment to look inward at what we are truly after, which relationships will help us grow and find happiness in the spaces we’ve built, and to break down the hierarchies of relationships in our own lives that society has built around us. With a direct but kind pat on the shoulder, Cody invites us all to “Know what you want. Know what you don’t.”
Patrick Bex is an aroace content creator, activist, educator, and the author of Limitless: Poetry of an Aromantic & Asexual Journey. His activism includes successful proclamation requests for both Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week (2025) and Ace Week (2022-2024) for the state of Wisconsin. His work can be found on his website www.fluentlyaspec.com or under the name fluentlyaspec on most social media sites.
Featured in this post: The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide by Cody Daigle-Orians Buy it now
