The Inquisitive One Falls Into a Hole

It was 4am, and the inquisitive one was walking in the darkness and looking up at the stars. The inquisitive one had been inspired to do such a thing as a result of having just read the very short poem When I Heard the Learn’d Astronomer by Walt Whitman. But then suddenly, while looking up at the stars, the inquisitive one fell into a hole!

“Help! HELP!” cried the inquisitive one.

Sadly, unlike Aesop’s fabled astronomer, the inquisitive one had small hope of anyone hearing these cries. You see, it was Black Friday. Everyone who usually made a habit of wandering around the outskirts of the city at 4am was, at that point, inside Wal-Buy, Best Mart, or JCNickel—either that, or waiting in line for the doors of those establishments to open. (The inquisitive one wasn’t sure which, having spent the previous few hours perusing poetry instead of store ads.)

Nonetheless, refusing to give up hope entirely, the inquisitive one kept hollering and calling out.

“Help! HELP!” cried the inquisitive one.

Luckily, a turkey, who was as usual boycotting everything having to do with the holiday season, heard the cries.

“Help you? After what you did yesterday to my cousin? Fat chance!” said the turkey, and paraded off.

“Oh no! Help! HELP!” cried the inquisitive one.

Luckily, a Libertarian Party member, who was exercising the freedom that comes of choosing not to jostle within crowds, heard the cries.

“Me, help? Help yourself!” said the Libertarian Party member, and chose to walk somewhere else.

“Oh no! Help! HELP!” cried the inquisitive one.

Luckily, a Republican, whose family budget did not allow for frivolous spending that season, heard the cries.

“I would call 911, but funding for that service has been cut, in order to balance the budget,” said the Republican, and stepped into a waiting limo.

“Oh no! Help! HELP!” cried the inquisitive one.

Luckily, a Green Party member, who was boycotting everything made of or wrapped in plastic, plus everything transported to a store by means of fossil fuels, heard the cries.

“This must be a sinkhole caused by bad environmental policies! Don’t worry, I’ll stage a hunger strike at the White House. We’ll have this problem solved within four years!” said the Green Party member, and pedaled off toward Washington.

“Oh no! Help! HELP!” cried the inquisitive one.

Luckily, a Democrat, who was waiting until Small Business Saturday to do the season’s shopping, heard the cries.

“I feel so bad for you! How could this have happened? Ahhhh!” said the Democrat, and collapsed into a fit of tears and wails that were so loud, and so long lasting, that the inquisitive one could not make any cries heard above the racket.

The inquisitive one had just about given up hope when dawn broke, the sun peeked out from where it had been hiding, and light spilled into the hole. Suddenly, the inquisitive one saw the solution. It was so obvious, though, that it would be heartless of me to write, in all bluntness, the details of the particular means of escape; and so, out of deference to the poor inquisitive one, who asked me to keep the whole thing as quiet as I could (without, that is, my giving up my profession entirely), I will merely note that our hero made it safely out of the hole.

It was then that the inquisitive one walked back home in the sunshine, thinking about the moral of the story.