The inquisitive one, having taken a DNA test some weeks back, received an email saying that the results were in!
Recalling that day, so long ago, when saliva had been spit into a little test tube and mailed off, the inquisitive one logged on to the ancestry website.
However, once logged on, the inquisitive one encountered some odd and disturbing data. Apparently, the inquisitive one was 50 percent Alpha Centaurian. The site displayed a beautiful map of the Milky Way, with expanded, brightly colored detailing of landmasses for both Earth and a planet called Proxima Centauri b.
“What on earth?!” the inquisitive one couldn’t help exclaiming. Next, the inquisitive one dialed the toll-free number conveniently provided by the company on its OMG HELP ME NOW page.
“Hello. Thank you for calling. Your call is very important to us,” said a voice that sounded, as a rough estimate, 87.5 percent robot. “How can I help you?”
“I got my results,” explained the inquisitive one, “and they say that I am 50 percent Alpha Centaurian!”
“I would be glad to help you with that,” said the voice. “What is your 56-digit ID number, please?”
After compelling the inquisitive one to read it off three times over, the voice, it said, was finally able to pull up the inquisitive one’s account. “Thank you for your patience. It looks like your results have been successfully posted! Would you like me to reset your password, so you can access your account?”
“No, I have accessed it. I’m calling to inquire, how is it possible that I am 50 percent Alpha Centaurian? This must be a mistake, or a joke, right?”
“Thank you for expressing your concern. Sometimes, through DNA tests, people discover things about their family and ancestry that they didn’t know before.”
“Are you suggesting that life has been found on another planet, and that I am descended from that life?!”
“We provide free access to a counseling provider index, for customers who would like to discuss their results with a professional. Would you like me to email you the free counseling provider index?”
“If aliens had been discovered, wouldn’t I have heard of this before now? Wouldn’t it be big news?”
“I have emailed you the free counseling provider index. Is there anything else I can help you with?”
“Are you suggesting that either my mother or my father is 100 percent alien? Or, perhaps I have two grandparents, one on my mother’s side, and one on my father’s side, who are each 100 percent alien?”
“Thank you for calling! Your satisfaction is extremely important to us. Please stay on the line for a 20-minute survey.”
The inquisitive one hung up the phone and stared at it for a few long seconds.
And suddenly at that point, the inquisitive one’s mind changed, as regards whether or not to contact the relatives listed on the site.
This is perhaps the wildest episode of the Inquisitive One ever! LOL!! I’m scratching my head now as to where I’ve heard of “Alpha Centaurian.” Anyway, you got the HELP information (or OMG HELP ME NOW!!) down! Don’t you hate all of that robotic information and questions?
So, what did the Inquisitive One do? contact her alien relatives or what?
Perhaps, we’re all part “Alpha Centenarian and don’t know it.
Very funny! I enjoyed this essay immensely.