the inquisitive one

The inquisitive one had been spending a lot of time on social media.

The herbs in the garden were documented on Instagram. The new kitchen gadget and new running shoes were documented on Facebook. The vintage furniture steal was documented on Pinterest. And every waking thought was documented on Twitter.

All of this photo posting and thought tweeting was starting to pile up in the inquisitive one’s brain like a goopy mess of potato peels. It was as if every peel of potato had an eye, and every eye was staring judgmentally at the inquisitive one!

“I live in an era of oversharing,” the inquisitive one thought. “I participate in that, and I enjoy participating in that; but maybe I need a break from that!”

So the inquisitive one canceled the original plan for the evening, which was to go to a hip new D.C. bar. Presumably, the evening would have consisted mainly of taking a series of selfies with an exotically prepared martini, mulling over which photos came out best, fiddling with various filters, and stressing about what to write as captions.

Instead, the inquisitive one went on a long run through a woodsy area. It was a lovely evening, and the trees were cast in brilliant golds and fading grays.

“Ah! This is where it’s at,” thought the inquisitive one. “Here in this woodsy area, I am all alone, doing my thing, undocumented, unshared, invisible, happy in my element: oh joy!”

However, unbeknownst to the inquisitive one, a Google car was driving by at that very moment, taking photos for the Street View of Google Maps. Moreover, a wedding had just taken place in the woodsy area, and the wedding photographer, plus family members and friends of the couple, were taking numerous photos of the scene.

Furthermore, someone had recruited a friend to make a video of him doing calisthenics, which he planned to post on YouTube and also use in his audition for a reality TV show. And someone else was taking a video of her dog, to whom she was teaching elaborately silly tricks. She planned to post the video on multiple social media sites and also submit it to a funny video contest.

The inquisitive one accidentally photo- and videobombed every single one of these people. As a result, the inquisitive one’s likeness ended up on the web multiple times—in many instances very clearly and with ridiculous-looking poses and expressions—all in spite of the original, innocent intent of the long run through the woodsy area.

Oh, and another thing. I had hired an artist* to follow the inquisitive one around and, through portraiture, document with precision what the inquisitive one looks like. Thus I hoped to prove, for all time, that the inquisitive one and I are completely different people!

You can see the result of this artistry above (and you can, as you wish, contrast this illustration of the inquisitive one with my own new look—for a brand new selfie of me now appears on my Home page!—and you can see for yourself the many vast differences between us).

But the point is, this fabulous portrait of the inquisitive one was surreptitiously completed, by the artist I secretly hired, during that very same run, that very same evening, unbeknownst to the inquisitive one.

It’s a beautiful work of art.

I intend to plaster the Internet with it.


*Many thanks to the brilliant Washington, D.C.-area artist Jim Nuttle. I was pleased to discover that he is a genius in both the graphic and mind-reading arts and a true professional. Check out some of his other cool art projects on Twitter, Instagram, and his website.