“This seems like a great time to start dating again!” said the inquisitive one, in a pandemic, as winter was approaching, and case counts were rising.
“There’s no time like the present!” said the inquisitive one, while downloading a dating app onto the phone.
The app requested some information.
“This app is pretty nosy,” said the inquisitive one. “I don’t see why I should give personal information to this app. Do I trust this app? I have no idea! I just want to date, y’know? Not tell all my secrets to some app.”
Questions & Answers
The inquisitive one decided to answer the questions falsely. To trick the app. And protect the privacy. So the i.o. went through the questions:
Are you interested in men, women, or both?
ROBOTS, ALIENS, GHOSTS
What is your birth date?
FEBRUARY 31, 1900
What ages are you interested in dating?
200-300 YEARS OLD
What are your interests?
RUBBER BANDS, HATS WITH PROPELLERS ON TOP, RAINCLOUDS
What are your hobbies?
SHOOTING RUBBER BANDS, SPINNING PROPELLERS ON HATS, FLYING THROUGH RAINCLOUDS
Are you gainfully employed?
UM NOT REALLY BUT I MEAN KIND OF
(That one the i.o. accidentally answered truthfully.)
What is your yearly income?
100,000-150,000 A YEAR IF EXCHANGED TO MEXICAN PESOS
Do you smoke weed?
I WONT TELL BUT YOU CAN ASK MY BEST FRIEND JOE ROGAN
Write a few sentences about yourself.
HEY YO PEEPS IM LOOKING FOR LIKE DATING AND SHIT BUT ILL FILL THIS OUT MORE LATER AND BTW PUNCTUATION IS FOR LOSERS!!!!!!!!!!
Upload some photos. This app has a strict policy that you must upload actual photos of yourself, otherwise your phone will explode. No nudity allowed. If you upload a nude photo, your phone will not explode, but the next time you make a phone call, you will be connected directly to the FBI.
“Hmm,” said the i.o., mulling over this policy. “I suppose that makes sense. I do actually want to meet someone. So I should probably use real photos.”
The inquisitive one scrolled through the photos on the phone. But every single one was of hot peppers! Hot peppers growing on plants, hot peppers harvested and lying on the countertop, hot peppers cooked into omelettes, and so on.
“Why did I take all these photos of hot peppers?” the i.o. wondered. “And I took no selfies at all?”
Shaking the head, the i.o. tried to think of how to take a selfie.
The first idea the i.o. had was to get into the car. The inquisitive one strapped on the seatbelt and took a selfie there.
The second idea the i.o. had was to drive to the nastiest public train station in the D.C. area. I mean, this place was disgusting. Grime on every seat, trash cans overflowing with greasy fries. The inquisitive one went into the restroom and took a selfie in the mirror there.
“Great!” said the inquisitive one. “Two photos is enough, probably.”
The i.o. drove home. But just as the inquisitive one turned off the car, another idea popped into the head.
“Oh goodness, this one is going to take some effort. But there’s no getting around it. It must be done. It’s a must for a dating profile!”
That was when the inquisitive one ran all the way to Machu Picchu and took a selfie there.
On the way home, the i.o. stopped at a friend’s place. The friend’s name was CB.
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“Guess what?” said the i.o., through a mask, when CB opened the door. “I just made a dating profile! Do you mind taking a look, before I hit SAVE? Just to make sure I’m not doing anything stupid?”
“Sure!” said CB.
CB looked at the phone’s screen.
“What do you think?” said the inquisitive one.
“Um, . . . I wonder if—” said CB.
“I knew it was fine!” said the inquisitive one. “I don’t know why I was feeling self-conscious there for a second. Never mind! Have a great day, CB!”
That was when the inquisitive one hit SAVE and jogged on home.