Scary man wearing a mask in front of computer keyboard.

Ten percent of U.S. adults in a serious relationship met through online dating. For U.S. adults ages 18-29, it’s 20 percent. For LGB adults in the U.S., it’s 24 percent. (Stats are from the Pew Research Center.) Online dating does, for many people who desire marriage or a committed romantic partnership, “work.” But online dating scams take place every day. In this article, I’ll share some online dating red flags and tell you about one shocking example of catfishing online.

Knowledge is the best defense against scammers and catfishers, so it’s an important topic to read about. Plus, it’s fun to read about. As one catfished woman wrote in her tell-all book, “We are drawn to these stories like moths to a flame—not so much due to schadenfreude (though that certainly plays a role), but because, if we’re honest with ourselves, we know we might be one swipe or one wrong click away from it happening to us.”

A Shocking Story of Online Dating Red Flags and Catfishing

The quote above was written by Anna Akbari, author of the popular 2024 nonfiction book There Is No Ethan: How Three Women Caught America’s Biggest Catfish. The book is part memoir, part work of investigative journalism. It’s an easy read with no literary pretensions. It contains page after page of unadulterated drama—and I’m using the word “drama” in the way your best friend does, while rolling their eyes.

So how does this book qualify as “great” and “for the discerning reader”? Because great books don’t have to be difficult to read and can indeed be page-turners. Because this book offers a fascinating examination of human nature. Because this book gives us knowledge about scammers and catfishers that we desperately need, to protect ourselves in the modern world.

Online Dating Red Flags in There Is No Ethan

Akbari was scammed by a catfisher she met on a dating app. In the first third of There Is No Ethan, she chronicles her months-long romantic digital interactions with a man she knows as Ethan Schuman, before learning definitively that he’d been catfishing her the whole time. She explains how she figures this out. Then, in the remainder of the book, she chronicles the experiences that two other women had had with Ethan (with their permission), and she shares what the three of them decide to do about it.

Below I list some online dating red flags that Ethan displays in his interactions with Akbari. In real time, Akbari correctly identifies many, though not all, of these as red flags. For weeks, moving into months, she tries to ignore the red flags as they pile up deeper and deeper. Finally, she calls it quits with Ethan, admitting to herself that the red flags are too numerous and severe to ignore any longer.

Online dating red flags exhibited by “Ethan Schuman” toward Anna Akbari in There Is No Ethan:
  • Never revealing his voice or video image. He communicates only by text and email. He says he is either unwilling or unable to talk on the phone or have a live video chat.
  • Over-communication and under-communication. He texts her all day and all night for weeks. However, he goes dark for an entire day, without explanation, when he’s supposed to show up to a date.
  • Never meeting in person. He arranges to meet but doesn’t show up. He always has an excuse for not being able to meet in person.
  • Not having an online presence. When she Googles his full name, nothing or very little pops up. He says this is because he is a private person.
  • Touchy, prickly, and accusatory. He gets offended and angry when she asks questions about aspects of his life that he doesn’t want to reveal or discuss. He accuses her of not trusting in him and therefore being disloyal and damaging their relationship. He uses her alleged disloyalty as an excuse not to answer her questions.
  • Controlling her love life. He insists on being exclusive before they have had a first date in person. He gets angry or upset when she vacations with a male friend and goes on dates with other men.
  • Love bombing. He sends her lengthy, overly flowery emails. He’s obsessed with romantic gestures. Often, these are apologies for his bad behavior.
  • Claiming to have a rigid moral code. His moral code, he says, prevents him from getting too physically close to her too soon. This allows him to refrain from revealing the sound of his voice or physical appearance (other than in photos, which are impossible for her to verify as legitimate).
  • Sparking jealousy. He tells her in detail about his other past and present love interests, causing her to feel jealous and more emotionally invested in him.
  • Claiming to have a serious medical condition. He says he has a serious health condition, and he brings it up to garner her sympathy at the very times when she should be the angriest at him.

I do not fault Akbari for ignoring and missing these online dating red flags for weeks into months. The emotional pull of even typed-only communications are powerful and real. “There but for the grace of God go I.”

An Online Dating Red Flag: Have You Felt Like This Before?

At one point, Ethan tells Akbari that he is in the hospital. It is serious, but not fatal. Akbari describes her feelings and actions:

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“A part of me really wanted to send flowers to him. The other part of me wanted to verify that he was in the hospital in the first place. I’d fully reconciled these competing motivations: I was equal parts lover and skeptic. The supportive sleuth. . . . So I called the hospital. No Ethan Schuman admitted. I called all the NYU locations. No Ethan Schuman. I tried all the other hospitals in New York, just to be sure. There was no Ethan Schuman.”

It’s an awful feeling—to be in love with someone you don’t trust and whose identity you can’t confirm. This is a major red flag.

What Does the Scammer or Catfisher Want? Which Online Dating Red Flags Are the Most Serious?

Did you notice anything conspicuously missing from my above list of online dating red flags in There Is No Ethan? Below, I list some huge online dating red flags that everyone should be aware of. But Ethan, oddly, never takes the actions I list below.

If you meet someone on a dating app who takes any of these actions, stop all communications and report the person immediately:
  • Asking for money. If you’ve never met your love interest in person, don’t give them money. Period.
  • Asking for personal financial information, personal identification information, passwords, answers to security questions, etc. Never give private security information out to a love interest you’ve never met. Also don’t give it out to a love interest you’ve gone on only a few dates with.
  • Asking for nude photos or videos. If you’ve never met your love interest in person, don’t send nude photos or videos to them. In fact, you might not want to send these to anyone, ever. If things don’t work out between you and your love interest, they will still have any photos or videos you sent them. This is an action you can never undo.
  • Insisting on sex, and not taking no for an answer. Obviously, this one would have to be in person. You always have the right to say no, at any time, in any situation, and no matter how far the love making has progressed.

Akbari knew these online dating red flags. She felt she could trust Ethan because he wasn’t asking for money or sex. But money and sex aren’t the only possible motives for scammers and catfishers.

What Does Ethan Want?

I won’t reveal this spoiler. But I will tell you, it’s an unusual and fascinating story. Read the book to find out who Ethan is and what his motivations are.

Share the Online Dating Red Flags You’ve Seen

What online dating red flags have you seen in your dating app journeys? Share them in the comments. Your stories could help someone else avoid being scammed or catfished.


Featured in this blog post: There Is No Ethan by Anna Akbari Buy it now