4 photos of groups of friends in a grid layout.

For many years, I have wished that there was a term in the English language for a particular relationship I have. A term like “special friend,” “platonic friendship with love,” or “friend who’s like a sister to me.” Something more than “one of my very best friends,” but less than “platonic life partner.” Something more than “non-blood relative by marriage,” but less than “sister.”

To be specific, I have a dear friend who I consider to be a sister. She’s almost a sister, since she’s my sister-in-law’s sister. I’m her brother-in-law’s sister. We spend holidays together, along with our married siblings. We call and text each other when we’re feeling down and when we have exciting news to share. We talk about our deepest wishes and fears. I would do anything for her.

But what term fits? “Sister” implies a blood relationship or shared childhood, neither of which is true for us. “Sister-in-law” also doesn’t fit. “Dear close friend” doesn’t capture the familial feelings we have for each other. “Sister-in-law’s sister” sounds cold and transactional.

We thought the German language might help, since its nouns are often smashed together to form words. We came up with “Schwesterfreundin” (sisterfriend). That works well as an inside joke—but it’s not particularly useful in conversation with other people. (If you speak German, leave a comment and let me know whether Schwesterfreundin is already a real word, or if seems like it could be a real word!)

New Terms Like “Schwesterfreundin” and “Platonic Life Partner”

I heard about Rhaina Cohen’s fabulous new book about platonic life partners because, like me, she’s a graduate of Northwestern University living in the DC area. (I signed up to attend an author event she was doing for NU grads, but became one of those annoying people who signs up but doesn’t show up. My excuse: a bout of burnout.) Unlike me, she’s a producer and editor at NPR who worked on “Hidden Brain” and other podcasts and radio shows.

Cohen became fascinated with the idea of platonic life partners after examining her own experience of having two deeply important relationships, with her husband and her best friend. One relationship she was able to talk about easily. But she struggled to find the right words to describe her other relationship.

Her 2024 book, The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life With Friendship at the Center, showcases real-life platonic life partners in America.

I especially appreciated that she interviewed and featured different kinds of platonic life partners. Two hetero women. Two hetero men. One hetero person and one queer person. Platonic life partners who rearranged their lives as young people so they could attend the same series of universities. Platonic life partners who rearranged their lives as retirees so they could share a home and assist each other with health care needs. Platonic life partners who decided to raise a child together. Platonic life partners who mutually invited the romantic partner of one of them to move in and join their family home.

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Cohen quotes one of her interviewees, Amelie: “I’m interested in making sure that other people feel like there are other models and other ways to live their lives.”

Indeed, it’s hard to follow a life path that’s less well trodden when you don’t have the language to talk about it. The Other Significant Others is a great leap forward in giving us that language.

The Meaning of “Platonic Life Partner”

What is a platonic life partner? The ancient Greek philosopher Plato was big into ideal, perfect forms. The word “platonic” has come to mean a meeting of the minds (or, if you prefer, souls) without a meeting of the bodies.

Cohen says she prefers the term “platonic partnership” for a friendship that surpasses ordinary friendship, but then she immediately backtracks and says she’s less interested in finding the perfect term than in highlighting the general idea.

She also considers “romantic friendship,” a term that was used historically, but she admits that its meaning is not clear in modern times and apt to cause confusion. (Historically, a romantic friendship might involve, for example, kissing but not sex, but people in modern times might use the term to mean a platonic soulmate, or something else.)

Another term Cohen rejects for use in this case is “polyamory.” A friend of hers tries to convince her that she is polyamorous, having two equally loving relationships. She agrees to a certain extent. However, she explains, there is a crucial distinction. She and her best friend might, for example, hold hands in public, but they don’t have sex, or desire sex with each other. A polyamorous relationship without the sexual component isn’t polyamorous, she contends; or at the very least, using the term in her case is bound to cause unnecessary confusion.

Platonic Life Partners vs. Married Couples

Here’s an important point: you don’t have to choose between being a platonic life partner and being married. If you are so lucky as to have a chance at both, Cohen says, go for it. Expecting one person to satisfy all of your needs is a toxic idea in our culture, she explains:

“Whether or not a romantic partnership has been formalized through marriage, the effect is the same: people who feel dissatisfied in their relationship may find it easier to blame themselves or their partner rather than faulty expectations. Even if the thought of deepening connections with friends or family members crosses their mind, it might not feel like a way to strengthen the marriage but instead like settling. . . . These standards don’t just harm people who are actively dissatisfied. People who are currently in a rewarding romantic relationship may find, at some point, that having more than one person to lean on would enrich their lives. It’s a safety net: if one person is your everything and the relationship ends, you stand to lose it all—your confidant, best friend, sexual partner, professional coach, and more—all at once.”

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So many Disney movies, so little freedom to move outside of the marriage coupledom castle. Don’t get me wrong—I’m not anti-marriage. I’m anti-putting people and relationships into restrictive boxes. Why not see where life takes you and share time with people you love, regardless of whether your relationship fits into modern cultural standards of what you’re “supposed” to do in life?

A Schwesterfreundin and a Platonic Life Partner Walk Into a Bar

They sit down, order drinks, and start talking about their various friend relationships. And they, the bartender, and everyone around them know exactly what they are talking about. Because new terms have entered the English language. (As well as the German language, apparently!)

Do you have a platonic life partner? Do you have a friendship that doesn’t fit the usual terminology? Share your story in the comments.


Featured in this blog post: The Other Significant Others by Rhaina Cohen Buy it now