A woman who is upset, holding a sunflower in her mouth.

You’ve heard the news that vulnerability is good for your mental health, while wearing emotional armor is harmful. That’s all fine and good—but what if you’re having a bad day? What if you’re feeling upset, anxious, depressed, or under pressure? What if you’re having a bad year? It’s easy to be generous, open, and honest when you’re feeling upbeat and healthy. The harder question is how to be vulnerable when you’re angry, sad, or frustrated.

How to Be Vulnerable When You’re Angry, Sad, or Frustrated: The Mastery of Sally Rooney

I know of someone who knows a little something about this topic.

The famous Irish writer Sally Rooney is one of my favorite modern novelists. Her ability to capture the nuances of her characters’ emotional states is unparalleled. I don’t know how she does it. She’s a magician, but instead of pulling a rabbit from a hat, she pulls a perfectly precise emotion—neither overwrought, nor understated—from a string of words.

Her 2024 novel, Intermezzo, which is her fourth, may be her best work yet. I’m also deeply enamored with her first novel, Conversations With Friends, which came out in 2018. And with her other novels, honestly. Just throw them all in your cart; you can’t go wrong.

The main theme of Intermezzo, if you read through to the end, is how to be vulnerable when you’re angry, sad, or frustrated. Or in the case of the novel’s two protagonists—how to be vulnerable when you’re feeling all three of these emotions.

The protagonists are brothers, about a decade apart in age. They are angry at each other. They are sad about their father’s recent passing. They are frustrated with their mother. They are also frustrated because they both, in different ways, have complicated love lives that don’t fit society’s expectations, and they don’t know what to do about it.

How to Be Vulnerable When You’re Angry, Sad, or Frustrated: What Is Courage?

In a pivotal scene, the two brothers have a conversation about courage. Before I tell you about this conversation, contemplate the words of researcher BrenΓ© Brown: “I cannot find a single example of courage in my research that was not born completely of vulnerability.” So when the brothers talk about courage, they are talking about something that requires vulnerability, by default. Showing courage requires you to put yourself out there, either physically or psychologically.

In the scene, Ivan (the younger brother who is a competitive chess player) jokes that he would be an eco-terrorist, if he wasn’t such a coward. Peter (the older brother who is a lawyer) admits that he’s also a coward. Ivan doubts that, since Peter makes a living by arguing in court before a judge. Peter’s reply is breathtaking in its emotional clarity. I hope this passage is clear out of context because it’s fabulous in context. See if this passage makes sense to you:

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“Peter appears to think about this, and answers: Not if you were good at it. No. It’s easy to do things you’re already good at, that’s not courageous. Trying to do something you might not be capable of doing— He breaks off here, apparently thinking again, chewing a crust of bread. We’re being hard on ourselves in a way, he remarks, because both our lives involve some voluntary exposure to what other people might call defeat. Which I think requires a certain degree of courage. Even if just psychologically.”

Fabulous writing (at least in context)! It’s like peering into Peter’s brain.

The way he admits that lawyering comes naturally to him and he’s practiced at it, and therefore it’s not emotionally scary for him. The way he breaks off when contemplating not being good at other things. (What is he thinking about here? Navigating his complicated relationships? Coping with his grief in losing his father?) The way he compares trials and chess: both can be won or lost. The way he tosses off the words “just psychologically,” as if the courage to be socially vulnerable is nothing, compared with the courage to risk bodily harm, for example as an eco-terrorist.

Really, Peter? You think psychological courage is lesser than physical courage? I beg to disagree—people have been known to jump off bridges to avoid, say, disappointing their parents. Psychological courage is famously difficult, just as difficult as physical courage. All five of the principal characters in this novel struggle with psychological courage. Even those who seem to be great at it experience major difficulties.

But like all round characters, Peter’s not wrong about everything. Here’s what he gets right:

  1. It’s easy to be courageous if you’re talented and well-practiced, and it’s not a win-lose situation.
  2. It’s moderately hard to be courageous if you’re talented and well-practiced, and it is a win-lose situation.
  3. It’s incredibly difficult to be courageous if you’re not talented or not well-practiced.

Therefore, the truest test of courage comes when you step out of your comfort zone, when you do something you’re not already good at. The more vulnerability you show, the more courageous you are. Peter and Ivan, in their very different ways, struggle with love and family relationships. Because they’re not especially talented or well-practiced in these areas (particularly when situations get thorny), it’s incredibly difficult for them to show the type of vulnerability that’s needed.

How to Be Vulnerable When You’re Angry, Sad, or Frustrated: The Lesson of Intermezzo

The word intermezzo is a chess term. It refers to a move that throws the opponent suddenly off-balance, forcing the opponent to respond immediately. It refers to neither the beginning of a chess game, with its standard openings, nor the end of the chess game, with its typical patterns, but the messy middle. The messy middle of the game is where the unexpected plays arise and must be dealt with.

Peter and Ivan are living in the messy middle of the drama of their lives. Nothing is settled in their love and family relationships; everything is constantly changing, often suddenly, and must be handled with care, lest the whole thing blow up.

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But I really should get to the point. Our dilemma is how to be vulnerable when you’re angry, sad, or frustrated (or all three at once). The answer is as follows:

You’re at an intermezzo point. You’ve been thrown off-balance, and now you’re angry, sad, and/or frustrated. You have to deal with this immediate threat—whatever set you off. Your basic instincts are urging you to shut down, clam up, lash out, put on the emotional armor, attack, or run. In other words—fight, flight, or freeze.

What if, instead, you opened your arms?

How to Be Vulnerable When You’re Angry, Sad, or Frustrated: Getting to the Point

The key to being vulnerable when you’re experiencing big bad emotions is to step outside of those big bad emotions and actively pursue openhearted kindness. This does not mean letting people walk all over you. It just means, let the light in. And let it shine out.

How to Be Vulnerable When You’re Angry, Sad, or Frustrated: A Recent Example From My Life

To understand what I’m talking about in the context of Sally Rooney’s Intermezzo, you’ll have to read Intermezzo. But here’s a recent example from my life that will be simpler to explain in a blog post.

The Washington Writers Conference gave me the keys to their Instagram account. (I know, can you believe it? The joke’s on them when I go hog wild with it. . . .)

I posted an image, as one does on Instagram. A troll replied. They said our graphic design sucks. They said the image was probably AI generated. The image is a piece of trash. What a garbage conference we must be. Etc.

I didn’t create the image myself. I don’t know whether it was AI generated or not. But I thought it was a fine image. Nothing wrong with it. The comment offended me, naturally.

The first impulse is always fight, flight, or freeze. Fight – reply and tell the troll that they are the piece of garbage. Flight – delete the troll’s comment and block the troll. Freeze – leave the comment and don’t respond and hope no one notices it and hope the troll doesn’t comment again.

Here’s what I did instead. I wrote a nice reply. I said, I’m so sorry you don’t like the image!! We are a nonprofit organization, and sadly we don’t have funding for a graphic designer. Are you possibly willing to help out by donating funds for a graphic designer, or do you know a graphic designer who might be able to volunteer their time? We would be open to discussing this possibility. Thank you for reaching out to us!!

And do you know what? The troll deleted their original comment.

The answer to how to be vulnerable when you’re angry, sad, or frustrated? Take a deep breath, open your arms, and be genuine and kind.

Where are your arms?


Featured in this post: Intermezzo by Sally Rooney Buy it now
Also mentioned: Conversations With Friends by Sally Rooney Buy it now