Someone commented in my anonymous survey that they wanted to see more dating stories here on the blog. This person is in luck! I don’t know whether this person wants to hear dating stories specifically from my life (or the inquisitive one’s life), or whether they want to hear dating stories in general. I’ll offer a little of both in this blog post. Specifically, this post is about two related topics in the world of dating: how to get into a relationship and how to handle a rejection.

How to Get Into a Relationship & How to Handle a Rejection: Tony Tulathimutte’s Irrepressibly Creative Humor

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know I’m going to bring a book into this somehow. I first encountered the author Tony Tulathimutte in the literary journal The Paris Review. He has a new book out, which will help us in our quest to learn how to get into a relationship and how to handle a rejection.

Incidentally, The Paris Review is one of my very favorite lit journals. It features literary short stories and poetry that very often exceed expectations. It also provides interviews of literary writers, which give a behind-the-scenes peek into author life that’s rare in literary journals. It comes out quarterly. It would be an even better investment if only I had more time to read it. . . . (Note that The Paris Review, confusingly for those outside the publishing industry, is an English-language publication based in New York City.)

But enough advertising for The Paris Review, seeing as they paid me a grand total of $zippo.nada for that plug. I was reading that fine journal when I came across a short story that was so outrageous, and outrageously funny, that I knew I wanted to read more from the author—no other than Tulathimutte himself. Little did I know that I would stumble across his full short story collection a few months later.

The 2024 book Rejection contains the outrageous story I read, “Ahegao, or The Ballad of Sexual Repression.” It also contains six other short stories about sex, dating, identity, unusual (to say the least) personalities, and the general topic of rejection, including rejection by others, of others, and of oneself. The book has been getting a lot of good buzz. I recommend it to anyone who loves reading about dating and relationships, enjoys salacious humor, and isn’t easily offended.

(Please note—this isn’t porn. It’s literature. I assure you, there is a difference.)

How to Get Into a Relationship & How to Handle a Rejection: Example #1 (From Rejection)

Rejection offers a wealth of negative examples. It doesn’t so much show how to get into a relationship and how to handle a rejection, as how not to do these things, or how to get into trouble by doing them completely wrong. That’s okay, because negative examples are a lot more fun and interesting to read about than positive examples, while still being instructive. So let’s get started.

Let’s focus first on how to get into a relationship (or in this case, how not to). In the first story in the collection, “The Feminist,” a man tries his hardest to be a good feminist. And he is. However, despite being extremely considerate of women, he can never seem to find one who wants to date him. He doesn’t understand that trying too hard can be just as counterproductive as not trying hard enough.

Here’s a quote from the story:

“What reasonable woman wouldn’t be attracted to a vocal ally? He sends thoughtful, grammatical messages, like a link to a Psychology Today article about limerence . . .”

The trouble with this philosophy is, love is not reasonable. No one reasons out whom they should fall in love with. Sure, you can make a checklist of things you’d like to see in a partner. But then you might fall in love with someone completely different.

Even worse? Making up a checklist for someone else, and then trying to meet those standards you just made up for them. Isn’t that a bit patronizing and, dare I say, anti-feminist?

I admit, I had to look up a word here. Limerence is an obsession over whether someone you like likes you back. It’s not love or lust, and it doesn’t have to be romantic or sexual. It’s about idealizing the other person and searching for any hint of emotional reciprocation.

This poor man, who himself seems to be trapped in perpetual limerence, tries to get a girlfriend by putting himself in a sort of box in which he performs feminism. He thinks this will help him get a girlfriend, but he only ends up depriving himself of any personality or charm in his single-minded efforts to please.

This situation is all very humorous, until one remembers doing stuff like this oneself. Have you ever tried too hard? (Eek—I have.) Don’t do that. Instead, be kind and considerate to others, but also actively pursue your own interests. That’s not a surefire way to get into a relationship, but it’s a darn good place to start.

How to Get Into a Relationship & How to Handle a Rejection: Example #2 (From My Life)

I’m super excited about life right now because . . . drum roll . . . I have a new boyfriend! It’s been years and years since I had a real boyfriend. Honestly, my last real boyfriend was the one I wrote about in my memoir in sonnets, Two Novembers. (Please don’t sue me for sharing that you can buy Two Novembers at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Bookshop, Politics & Prose, and wherever books are sold!) And the boyfriend chronicles in the book occurred back in 2017. We broke up in 2018.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my new boyfriend and I met while each of us was doing what we love to do. Unlike the situation in “The Feminist,” he was not desperately trying to do something he thinks I like, and I was not desperately trying to do something I think he likes. We just each did our own thing—and that was mutually attractive.

To be specific, we were both participating in a street fair. I was selling my book Two Novembers in a booth. He, a musician, was playing in a band across the street from my booth.

The band was so loud that I had trouble selling books, since you need to have a conversation with someone to sell a book, as an unknown author in a street fair. So my booth-mate (another author) and I gave up on selling and listened to the band, cracking jokes between ourselves and clapping after each number.

One of the musicians was wearing a shirt that said “Book Nerd.” Another of the musicians was engaging in some ridiculously performative antics onstage. I immediately wanted to get to know the guy with the bookish friend who was un-self-consciously going all out: giving his act 110%, as if he were playing an arena, not a little street fair with a couple dozen people standing around.

I found out later that, while onstage, he noticed the two women selling books across the street. He felt bad that we couldn’t sell our books due to the noise he and his friends were making. He noticed that we were taking this well, smiling and clapping politely.

After the band’s set ended, I hoped to find the musicians in the crowd and call them over to my booth. But I didn’t have to: Suddenly there they were, standing before me. The musician I had my eye on told me he likes Shakespeare and was impressed that I had written Shakespearean sonnets. He bought my book and subscribed to my newsletter. He also found a way to crack a very funny joke.

Then they were gone, and another (mercifully quieter!) band took the stage.

It was weeks before he asked me out. Progressing to our first date was helped along by numerous witty emails, him reading my book and asking me about it, and me telling him I was planning to attend one of his gigs. Our passions for books (me) and music (him) was great because we had interesting things to talk about, which took some of the pressure off in pre-dating and dating situations.

I’ll share another story from my recent dating life on an upcoming Friday, probably January 31st. This bonus article is for my amazing supporters only (my Patrons!) who are helping me achieve my writing goals through a small donation. Sign up here to gain access to this and other behind-the-scenes articles!

How to Get Into a Relationship & How to Handle a Rejection: Lesson #3 (From Rejection)

Speaking of wittiness, the short story collection Rejection is quite witty. Do read it if you like witty jokes.

Here’s one from the second story in the collection, “Pics.” Part of this story is a stream of texts, depicting a group chat among some female friends. The friends use in-group lingo and slang to crack jokes, mostly sexual innuendos, and it’s all very jocular and breezy. And very raunchy. Then the protagonist, Alison, chimes in:

LOL! That’s hilarious guys.
So, some personal news, y’all.
I just hooked up with my close friend Neil! 😳

Alison’s tone here is completely wrong for this group. Poor Alison is not keeping up with the trendiness of the others. Reading her texts in the context of the other women’s texts is very funny . . . but also tragic, because she doesn’t seem to realize that she’s on a different wavelength. And when she’s rejected by both the group of women and her close friend Neil, she spirals into depression.

What does Alison do wrong? Like the feminist of the first story, she tries too hard. Her entire life revolves around trying to be with Neil and trying to fit in with the girl group, both before and after they reject her. But that’s not how friendships and relationships work. You can’t force people to like you. What you can do is meet different people, and hang out with people who like you for who you are.

Here’s the secret for both how to get into a relationship and how to handle a rejection: You have to actively be yourself and pursue your own interests, instead of trying to fit in or impress people. And if you don’t know who you are or what your interests are, you have to actively try stuff until you figure it out.

Being rejected sucks, no way around it. But you must not make the acceptance or rejection of any person or group the focus of your life. That’s not in your control, and doing this is sure to backfire. Focus on things you can control. What do you love to do? What types of people do you love to hang around with? Find those activities. Find those people.

How to Get Into a Relationship & How to Handle a Rejection: Lesson #4 (From My Life)

My former boyfriend broke up with me in 2018. Yep, it was him who broke up with me. Yep, I cried.

But after I had a good long cry, I realized a few things. One, there had been warning signs. It had not been a complete surprise. I chronicled some of these warning signs in my book. Others happened later on, after the book ended in the “second November” of the two Novembers. Since things hadn’t been going swimmingly in our relationship, maybe he wasn’t right for me, even if he seemed to be right in many ways.

Two, I was still me. I still had my writing, my reading, my running. I could still do those things. His leaving me took only a swath of happiness from my life, not anywhere close to all of it.

Three, I had other people in my life. Friends, family, and so on. Again, his leaving me took only a swath of my happiness.

I stopped crying after a few hours, and I was okay. Now, I’m not saying my experience has to be like yours or anyone else’s. What I’m saying is this: Don’t make a single person your entire life and world. It’s too risky, because the universe has a habit of throwing curveballs. It’s also not fair to the other person, who deserves to have their own life and world outside of you. It’s also not fair to yourself, because you deserve to have a life and world outside of one other person. The love of a special person is astounding, beautiful, and priceless. But there’s more to life than just one relationship.

What do you like to do outside of being with a romantic partner? What types of people do you like to be around?

Featured in this post: Rejection by Tony Tulathimutte Buy it now