It’s a taboo topic of conversation. You might not want to bring it up while talking to your boss at a fancy work gala. But, folks, this is important. You are important. What is sexual trauma, and what does sexual trauma healing look like? Are you interested in learning how to heal from a past sexual trauma? Let me tell you about an insightful, honest, and witty guide to female sexuality and healing from sexual trauma that I read recently.

The Pleasure Plan is a memoir written by my friend Laura Zam. I love this sentence in her bio: “She lives in Washington, DC, with her husband and too many throw pillows.” I met Laura when we were invited to give a joint presentation about our books (both of which are memoirs featuring love and sex) for an online event. When I read her book, I knew she was perfect for an author interview on this blog. The Pleasure Plan answers the question, What is sexual trauma healing? And it describes Laura’s journey in learning how to heal sexual trauma.

That being said, the book is so much more than that. It’s a love story: between Laura and her husband, and also between Laura and herself. Laura is a person who doesn’t give up. It’s so admirable. At the beginning of the book, she has what seems to be an intractable problem. Most people would shake their head at the seeming futility of it all and give up. Not Laura. She turns her problem into art, explores the problem from every possible angle, keeps on going until she finds solutions, and shares her journey with others. Who does that?!!

At the beginning of The Pleasure Plan, Laura, who has expertise in acting and theatre, takes on a unique project. She is asked to perform a one-woman play, and she sets herself the task of creating a play about how to heal sexual trauma. The only trouble is, she needs to first figure out how to heal sexual trauma, so she can write and perform the play!

This is a humorous situation, and she writes about it with playfulness, which is a nice contrast to the seeming seriousness of the topic. For example, after a meeting with her collaborators at the theatre, she writes:

“Then I wander onto the street, anxious about how I’m going to mend soul, psyche, and vajayjay in the limited time I have left. Once this drama project is over, so is my recovery.”

“Soul, psyche, and vajayjay”—I love that. And I love that she’s created an artistic deadline for herself. Will she be able to discover how to heal sexual trauma before her one-woman play opens at the theatre? Read the book to follow along in the intense drama behind the scenes of the drama!

My belief is that such topics are important for people of all genders and life experiences to know about. If you’d like to explore the question, What is sexual trauma; if you’d like to learn more about the ups and downs of healing as it really happens in real life, this book is a great starting point.

But first! Here’s an interview with author Laura Zam. I found her responses particularly insightful, and I hope you will, too.

LA: I admire the way you tackled your problem from so many different angles: physical, psychological, analytical, scientific, spiritual, artistic, and more. How did you get the idea to be so broad in your approach, and do you recommend broadness to others?

LZ: I love this question. I didn’t start my journey with a broad mindset at all! I lived with undiagnosed pelvic pain (painful sex) for 30 years, which led to low libido, low arousal, orgasm difficulty, and a propensity to feel traumatized during lovemaking. All of this was just normal for me, though I felt very broken because of it. I just figured I was doomed since I’d been sexually abused as a child.

After I got married I really wanted to solve these problems though, so I began doing some research online, where I learned about vaginismus, and suspected I had it. I made an appointment with my gynecologist about this, but she got nervous with all my questions about the mechanics of intercourse. She also gave me the wrong remedy, and incorrect information. This is all in my book.

I felt really stuck after that—more so than ever—until I got a play commission about a year later (for a one-person play) and decided that I’d try solving this problem—using art. That is, I’d try healing modalities that I thought would make good scenes. I didn’t know another way to move forward, or how to take risks.

But with the task of writing an interesting play, I forced myself to go very broad and to be audacious like weaseling myself inside the house in Brooklyn where I’d been molested as a four-year-old, or having a private hands-on pleasure session with a Tantrika. I didn’t know what any of these experiences would offer me, and I was skeptical that anything could help, fully, since I felt so erotically defective. But each of these experiences offered me pieces of my healing puzzle.

So when the play was complete eight months after beginning it, I just kept working on my healing in this expansive way—for the next five years. I kept asking myself: “What else can I try?” “Who might have knowledge that I don’t, but need?” “What can I try that scares the living daylights out of me?”

By this point, I knew that my bedroom issues had many sources: pelvic floor dysfunction; trauma responses; little knowledge of what brought me pleasure; poor confidence and communication skills when it came to asking for what I liked, etc. It was like I had faulty sexual wiring, but lots of wires were involved. By approaching my healing from all these different angles, I was able to rewire my sexual self, comprehensively.

When I work with coaching clients now, who suffer from their own sexual challenges, I always recommend a multimodal approach. Not necessarily one as “out there” as my own. But one that can help this person work on the different facets of their own struggles. Sexual vitality involves so much of us!

LA: Early in the book, you describe sitting in a restaurant with two friends. You want to talk about issues regarding female sexuality, but, you write: “I don’t bring this up because we don’t talk about these matters.” How did you move from feeling unable to talk to even your closest friends about this, to being able to talk about it to the world through your one-woman play, your book, and your public speaking?

LZ: It’s true. I was very uncomfortable bringing up these topics with friends, or anyone. Case in point is going 30 years without talking about my pelvic pain with medical providers.

Once I started working on my play about this subject, however, I frequently found myself in situations with strangers (at a party, for instance) where chitchat was required. Someone would ask what I did. I’d say I was a writer. They’d inquire: “What do you write about?” I didn’t want to lie, so I’d tell this person I’d met maybe ten minutes before: “I’m working on a play about healing from childhood sexual abuse.” Much of the time, these people would get uncomfortable.

I just got used to their reactions, which I realized weren’t a judgement of me, but a sign of how people carry so much shame around their own sexual history and responses. I began to realize that by talking openly, I could help change that. So I made it my mission to speak as openly as I could about my own experience, and to encourage others to do the same.

One more thing I’ll say about this is that if a person has experienced sexual misconduct, and so many of us (of all genders) have, shame belongs to the perpetrators—not us. I believe it’s especially imperative for people in this situation to place the shame where it belongs.

LA: What advice would you give to a person struggling with a very personal issue who doesn’t know where to turn for help?

LZ: A huge aha on my healing journey was finding out there are doctors with extensive knowledge of intimate problems (I have information about finding one of these on my website here).

I always recommend seeking out one of these physicians to see if the person with challenges has a diagnosable condition. Most of these conditions have fairly straightforward remedies, like pelvic floor PT or hormone cream. In other words, there might be a simple medical solution awaiting, even though this person feels like a hopeless case—as I did.

Once this person sees a doc, I recommend they ask themselves some questions to get a better sense of what’s really going on. Questions like: Do I actually enjoy sex with a current partner? If not, what don’t I like about it? Do I know what turns me on? Do I know how to have an orgasm? Am I comfortable asking for something different in the bedroom? If not, what do I fear?

Too many times, women especially, are afraid to ask themselves these questions because they think it might lead to truths that hurt a partner. But the opposite is the case. By identifying what’s not working—as well as what might work—we empower ourselves to find pleasure. And we give our partners an opportunity to authentically please us.

LA: In addition to being a great writer, you are also an accomplished stage performer and public speaker. What advice would you give to a person who wishes to improve their performative skills?

LZ: Public speaking of all kinds requires skill building, like anything else. Luckily, there are so many places, and ways, to build those skills! Toastmasters is great. Storytelling organizations, like The Moth, are also very helpful. If those aren’t accessible, then gather some friends who are also interested in practicing public speaking, and take turns telling a 5-minute story or teaching the group something.

LA: I understand you’re working on another book, about tea houses. Would you like to tell us about this new project and how it fits in to your focus on pleasure?

LZ: Thanks for asking about this. Though I still work as a Sexual Solutions Coach, I’ve branched out as well, creating a larger umbrella for my pleasure work, called Pleasure Literacy. Pleasure Literacy is learning how to cultivate pleasure for improved health (physical and mental). It’s also learning to navigate the trickier aspects of pleasure—like what to do with pleasure-seeking that feels out of control. In addition to my sexology work, I now deliver keynotes for workplaces on this topic.

My creation of a larger umbrella came out of my own struggles as a caregiver for my husband, who has some severe, chronic issues. In need of more stress-reduction and resilience, I asked myself how I could apply what I’d learned on my Pleasure Plan journey. I found I could directly apply what I learned, and then I started teaching it to others. Give people permission to enjoy themselves, help them discover what’s subjectively delightful, learn how to stay embodied and let this embodiment lead to enhanced feelings of aliveness, strength, and peace. See? A lot like teaching someone how to orgasm!

In any event, seeking pleasure outlets for myself, I started visiting tea houses locally. Then, this blossomed. The book I’m working on, Steep: Finding Sanity in a Turbulent World—Using America’s Extraordinary, Varied Tea Houses, is a cross-country journey, where I visit one unique tea house in every state in America. Tea Houses are incredible, but little known, places of comfort, community, peacefulness, mindfulness, charm, sensory delight, and more. I wish to call attention to the great variety of these “third spaces.”

I’ve visited 25 of the 50 so far. I’ve been delighted by Afternoon Tea in a tiny home, a tea room that’s actually a museum exhibit, a late-night tea house with dim lights and live music, and also tea ceremonies from Japan, China, Turkey, Morocco, Germany, and so many other cultures. America is a real melting pot of tea houses, and I can’t wait to share this with the world.

If people are curious, by the way, they should sign up for my newsletter, by going to laurazam.com. When they do, they’ll be added to my Substack, where I’m doing dispatches of my travels and all these tea destinations.

In conclusion, thank you, Liza. I just love what you’re doing with this blog, and with all your work. You are an awesome writer, human, and literary citizen!

LA: Thank you so much, and thanks for the amazing work you’re doing for the community!

Featured in this post: The Pleasure Plan by Laura Zam Buy it now

Learn more about Laura Zam: laurazam.com

Special event featuring Laura Zam: Calm in The Chaos: How Small Joys Build Unshakable Resilience
Tuesday, June 17, 6:30 – 7:30pm
Venture X, 1763 Columbia Road NW, Washington, DC 20009, Duke Ellington Training Room
In chaotic times, your morning coffee or tea can do so much more than wake you up. It can steady your nervous system, diminish anxiety, counter depression, and bring sustained happiness—if you know how to truly savor. The best part? No extra time or effort is required. Join us on June 17, 2025, in DC to learn innovative pleasure-resilience skills, including those Laura’s mother used to survive Auschwitz.
Register here.