the inquisitive one

The inquisitive one was in the back shed, searching for compost soil. It was mid-April: time to plant some seeds!

The inquisitive one noticed lots of things in the back shed—a marshmallow roasting kit in a rusted can, a bag of peat moss that was ripped open and spilling out, a large and gaudy lawn ornament that required assembly, and other random stuff—but, alas, no compost soil.

However, the inquisitive one did notice, while poking around in the deepest, darkest corner, a baseball bat. It was lying in the dust, hidden behind a large piece of wood left over from some long-ago project.

“A baseball bat?” wondered the inquisitive one. “I have never owned a baseball bat. This must’ve belonged to the previous owner of this property. They must not have noticed it in this deep, dark corner.”

Now, the inquisitive one had never once successfully hit or caught a ball. Quite logically, whenever anyone threw any type of ball toward the inquisitive one’s head, the i.o. ducked and ran. But the inquisitive one, instantly upon seeing the bat, had an idea.

“I know just who would love to have this baseball bat: my nephew!

The inquisitive one wiped the cobwebs and dust off the bat and brought it into the house.

However, the effort of rummaging around in the back shed had exhausted the inquisitive one. The inquisitive one collapsed on the couch, while gently placing the baseball bat on the floor nearby.

You see, the i.o. was still suffering from multiple health ailments. The doctor had advised the inquisitive one to take a shower; this successfully encouraged the birds to make their nest somewhere other than in the i.o.’s hair. But all the other health problems remained unsolved . . . and in fact had gotten worse.

A celery plant, complete with ten stalks and their frilly leaves, was growing out of the inquisitive one’s left ear! The roots were starting to penetrate the brain, making the i.o. feel dizzy and woozy and basically just really out of it!

Also, the inquisitive one had boldly snipped apart the gray worm, with brown stripes, that was growing out of the bellybutton. But the worm grew back even larger, and now it was brown, with shimmery green stripes! And it was starting to make meal requests! For example, last night, it had demanded that the inquisitive one eat tacos for dinner!

And the large, flat mushrooms growing out of the toenails had gotten larger, and also spread to the fingernails! This was making activities like running and cooking very difficult for the i.o., because the mushrooms were getting in the way!

So there the inquisitive one lay, on the couch, breathing rapidly and strainedly, feeling the blood rushing to the celery roots in the head, and getting more and more frustrated.

“How’m I supposed to get this baseball bat to my nephew?” the inquisitive one thought, in despair. “I can’t drive there—these celery roots are making me too woozy to drive. I can’t run there—the mushrooms are preventing my running shoes from fitting. And if I leave the proximity of my fridge and takeout menus, this worm will start screaming at me, while slinking violently within my guts, nauseating me until I obey its orders!”

And the inquisitive one got angrier, and angrier, and angrier, and angrier, lying there on the couch.

“Aaaaargh!!!!!!!!! Why do I have so many health problems????!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COUGH COUGH, COUGH COUGH,” the inquisitive one screamed.

Then suddenly, with a burst of adrenaline, the inquisitive one grabbed the baseball bat, stood up, and hurled it violently, with full strength and power, at the nearest window!

The full strength and power of the inquisitive one, however, was extremely minimal at that point. So the bat dropped down, harmlessly and bouncily, to the couch.

Then the inquisitive one dropped down, harmlessly and bouncily, on top of it, and remained there for the next five and a half hours.

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