the inquisitive one

For fun, the inquisitive one strapped on a mask and took the Metro into the heart of Washington, DC.

The inquisitive one strolled past the White House. The inquisitive one ambled around the Washington Monument. The inquisitive one shimmied along the Reflecting Pool. The inquisitive one labored up the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.

Having gazed in reverence at the great man, the inquisitive one turned, skipped down the steps, and walked for a long time: past the Reflecting Pool, past the Lincoln Memorial, and toward the Capitol Building in the distance.

Suddenly, while striding past one of the Smithsonian museums, the inquisitive one tripped over a reporter’s notepad—which was, for some reason, lying on the ground—and fell down into a news cycle!

“Ugh,” groaned the inquisitive one, sitting up and rubbing all the hurt body parts. And the inquisitive one glared at the mangled notepad back there.

Pulling the mask down to the chin with one hand, and reaching into the bag with the other, the inquisitive one pulled out a water bottle and took a swig. Next—and not without trepidation—the inquisitive one pulled out the mobile phone.

“Oh no!” cried the inquisitive one, scrolling through the headlines:

Inquisitive One Nominated to Be Supreme Court Justice

In a surprise move, President Trump reversed course and nominated the i.o., who has no prior experience as a judge, to be Supreme Court Justice. Trump said, “The inquisitive one is a great person. Really great. This country needs great people as judges.” On Twitter, he wrote, “THE …

Inquisitive One’s 2019 Tax Return Leaked to Press

Financial markets are in flux after the i.o.’s 2019 tax return was anonymously leaked on Friday. In 2019, the i.o. paid in taxes one bushel of tomatoes, three bushels of peppers, half a dozen butternut squashes, a pint of dried holy basil, a 1998 Ford Taurus that would not start, and three hundred …

Inquisitive One Among the Rose Garden Crowd Exposed

The i.o. attended a crowded Rose Garden event, in which many attendees did not wear masks, and which led to a spreading of COVID-19. The i.o. was photographed wearing a mask at the event. But two eyewitnesses reported that, at one point, the i.o. pulled the mask down to the chin, exposing …

Inquisitive One’s Email and Other Personal Info Hacked

Every email the i.o. has ever composed, including emails the i.o. drafted and then discarded before sending, is now available on WikiLeaks. WikiLeaks also hosts images of every note the i.o. wrote and passed among schoolmates in the 4th and 5th grades. The identity of the hacker is not, at …

Inquisitive One Mocked for Ignorance Surrounding Abortion

When questioned by a reporter about abortion, the i.o. said, “I do have an opinion, actually! I believe that Wade v. Roe—” but was unable to finish the sentence due to jeers and much slapping of foreheads by the reporter and others standing nearby, prompting one bystander to quip, “The …

Inquisitive One Associate Linked to Hillary Clinton

The Associated Press reported that the i.o.’s half-cousin’s ex-wife’s college roommate rode the same Chicago bus as Hillary Rodham Clinton on a mid-January day in 1982. Clinton sat near the middle of the bus, while the i.o. associate sat on the opposite side, three rows back. According …

Gasping rapidly in abject horror, the inquisitive one tore the eyes up from the mobile phone and, glancing around the National Mall, noticed a number of people, people of all races and genders and statures and dress, people with notepads, people with cameras, people with suspicious little recording devices, all walking, and then running, straight toward the inquisitive one, shouting pointed questions as they got closer, snapping their photographic shutters, and . . .

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