This one is for me and everyone out there going through major life struggles right now.
I have featured Anne Lamott on this blog before, and I’m doing it again. I’ll probably do it again and again. In a blog about seeking wisdom from books, how could I do otherwise? She is the queen of wisdom writing. Unsurpassed, unsurpassable.
Anne Lamott is a former alcoholic who became sober. She has walked through the fire, so to speak. Here is what she writes, in her most recent book, Dusk, Night, Dawn, about her struggle to get sober:
“I thought that I was beyond redemption, but I became friends with a few wild sober women, who insisted that my mind was not always to be trusted: half the time it was for entertainment purposes only. My mind was not who I was. I thought I was nuts and pathetic. The sober women said we all were. They said my soul was fine inside the rubble. They would help me clear it away, and when my cup had begun to fill again, I would pay it forward.”
God, so much wisdom packed into six beautiful and heartfelt sentences. I especially love the part about “for entertainment purposes only.” I especially love the part about her mind not being her, but her soul being nonetheless intact. And I especially love the part about paying it forward.
I especially love all of it!
What, then, are the essential wisdoms from this passage?
- You are not beyond redemption.
- Friends are essential.
- Making new friends is essential.
- Your thoughts are not you.
- You are just fine.
- You will get through this and be able to help others.
All of these things are true.
Are you beyond redemption?
I’ve been told yes, and I’ve been told no.
But no one in 12-step (primarily AA in my case) has ever said “no.”
Part of the back half of the steps is that you make amends where it’s appropriate and you can without hurting the person or others, and you make a “living amend” when you can’t make a direct amend to that person.
Living amend = staying sober, being a better person, and paying the program forward (Step 12.)
My first sponsor -implied- I would never be sober because I wouldn’t do exactly what he said.
I fired him, and I didn’t stay sober. Would I have had I stuck with him? I dunno. Doesn’t really matter. That was the only AA/sober club where I saw members (on more than one occasion) beat up guys (physically and verbally) who came back after relapsing/”going out.” Yeah, that’s real effective, real “sobriety” happening there, fellas.
Probably best we parted ways.
My current sponsor (3rd) has a different perspective: Rick, you can get and stay sober if you work the program to the best of your ability, and take some of my suggestions (which helps him stay sober.) And keep your mouth shut/take some Imodium for your verbal diarrhea.
I particularly like “your thoughts are not you.” I agree with this; others (in many cases people who overlap with the ‘you can’t be redeemed, Rick, opinion) disagree.
One of my FleeceBook bio quotes in the day was some mis-appropriation, incorrect rendition of a concept from the Batman universe: “it’s not what we appear to be, it’s not who we are — it’s what we do (the action we take) that matters.” Actions, not words.
Right now life is pretty action-packed for me, a person without a steady job. Odd, huh?
I guess the question is ultimately the one you asked: do -I- personally think -I- am beyond reception? Yes, or no answer.
No, I think not.
I’ve committed all the deadly sins, had pretty much all the character defects, invented new ones. That really came home to me the other night as I was preparing an “Appeal Letter” for a close friend (brother, really) who we performed an intervention on yesterday morning. He got in the car, went to the airport, got on a plane to AZ and rehab.
We did our job. And he’s not beyond redemption.
Know why? He’s still breathing.
I’ve done terrible things I can’t undo. Things I can’t throw time or money at. People I’ve hurt. Things I’ve destroyed so I can rebuild them to my will. Trails of dead.
I don’t think I’m beyond redemption. I’m still breathing.
Just working to not do -more- terrible things while cleaning up “the wreckage of the past.”
And besides, I might be able to get it done in one fell swoop if I’m lucky! All my friends and family might wind up trapped on a burning, sinking battleship. I could get them to the lifeboats, get them away while I turn the boat the other direction, and then go down with it assuming no Valkyrie are available/not too hung over to swoop down and bail my arse out.
You really got to work extra-hard at it to wind up in Hell (other than the one on Earth.)
I think even Satan can be redeemed. Hitler, Idi Amin, Stalin, Saddam Hussein, other mass-murderers… ehhh, not so much.
Thanks for this thoughtful reply!