Santa pants

HOW . . . DEE . . . DOO . . . DAH . . . and welcome your Santa pants to the . . .

. . . 3rd Annual Christmas Rant!!!!!!!!!

Can you believe it’s been two years since the inaugural Christmas Rant, which was a hoot an’ a half?!

Can you believe it’s been a whole year since the 2nd Annual Christmas Rant, which was three hoots an’ a quarter?!

A lot has changed since then!!!


Practically f’ing nothing has changed.

Let’s see, I’m still dealing with concussion symptoms, we’re still dealing with a pandemic, and the Christmas season is still the time to blow your ol’ gasket and let ’er rip because those holiday jingles ain’t going away anytime soon, folks.

That’s right, folksey blokes, you think you’re tired of “All I Want for Christmas Is You”? Wait till January when it’s still in the playlists.

And you think you can avoid the holiday by staying home? Think again, weirdos. Because your crazy neighbor still has about a million watts of lightbulbs surrounding their house, blinking away like a crazed cat into your bedroom window. And that gaudy Xmas paper is still in your basement. Along with that tinsel.

And you know how tinsel is. CURSED. That stuff knows its way around a home. Do you have carpets? I’m talking about Christmas in July, and actually every single one of the months, honey, because that tinsel can climb stairs. It can even follow a static electricity stream for miles. And that’s a scientific fact. Tinsel is like COVID—once it gets on one family member, next thing you know it’s on every family member.

And I’m including the pet fish. Tinsel is hazardous to fish, did you know that?

I once had a fish who died of tinsel strangulation. Then it came back to haunt the aquarium for the next 200 years. Don’t mix tinsel with fish. Take it from me. Not a good plan, Santa. And why are you still wearing those stupid red pants? How many kids have wiped snot and drooled on those things, and coughed in your face ’cause their parents “forgot” the kiddo’s mask at home?

Ugh. I’ll opt out.

Unless this affair involves receiving gifts.

What’s that?