Hey, this is Liza. Just a quick note before we get into today’s tale. My new book Two Novembers is not currently buyable from Amazon due to a mixup in Amazon’s computer system. People who order from Amazon are being shipped a different book. My publisher and I have been trying to resolve this problem for weeks. I apologize for the inconvenience and hope the issue is resolved soon. In the meantime, please visit another bookseller if you wish to purchase Two Novembers. Some great options include Bookshop, Politics and Prose, Barnes & Noble, and other bookstores I’ve listed here.
Everything I wrote in the above paragraph is true. Coincidentally, the inquisitive one recently experienced something similar. Let’s get into today’s tale.
The inquisitive one heard that a good book was published. The i.o. clicked the BUY THIS THING MUAHAHAHA button.
An hour later, a deliveryperson left a package at the inquisitive one’s doorstep!
The i.o. eagerly opened the packageβonly to see that the company had delivered the wrong book.
“Hmm, this isn’t what I ordered when I clicked the BUY THIS THING MUAHAHAHA button,” the i.o. said. “This is really strange. Usually the BUY THIS THING MUAHAHAHA button works really well.”
The inquisitive one clicked the I RECEIVED THE WRONG F*CKING SH** YOU DUMMY button. Feeling polite, the i.o. wrote a cordial note about how there must have been a mixup, and requested that the correct f*cking sh** be delivered at the company’s earliest convenience. And the i.o. dropped off the wrong book at the local U.P.S. store.
An hour later, a deliveryperson left another package at the inquisitive one’s doorstep!
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The i.o. eagerly opened the new packageβonly to see that the company had delivered the same wrong book again.
“This is a very strange mystery,” said the inquisitive one.
That was when the i.o. went back to the book’s web page. And the i.o. noticed that the wrong ISBN was connected to the book. That explained everything!
Suddenly feeling less polite, the i.o. spent the next 8 hours creating 50 email accounts, logging in separately with each of them, and leaving 50 scathing 1-star customer reviews on the good book’s page.
“That’ll show the company how to deliver items properly!” shouted the inquisitive one.
The trouble was, the i.o. still wanted to read the good book.
I won’t waste your time telling you all the incredible lengths the i.o. went to, to try to contact someone at the company who might be able to fix the error and deliver the correct book. It involved several cross-country runs between DC and Seattle, pounding on obscure loading dock doors late at night, dangerous forays into the depths of Reddit, and a bizarre petition and letter-writing campaign that attracted national media attention and the endorsement of Leonardo DiCaprioβall of which went nowhere.
Finally, as a Hail Mary, the inquisitive one ran to Cape Canaveral. The i.o. halted, gasping from the run. Towering above, against a blue sky, was a spaceship with blue lettering. Jeff Bezos was just then entering the spacecraft! The i.o. clambered up and snuck in just before the door shut.
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“Hey,” said the inquisitive one, gasping from the clambering up.
“Hey,” said Jeff.
“I want to buy a book,” the inquisitive one explained.
“About that . . .” said Jeff.
The i.o. couldn’t say anything in return, because some other person was shoving various of the i.o.’s limbs into a spacesuit and fitting a space helmet on the i.o.’s head.
“There’s a situation,” the i.o. heard Jeff say, through the speakers in the space helmet.
“What situation?!” the i.o. said, into the microphone in the space helmet.
“Don’t tell anyone this, but all the software engineers at that company are tied up with something more important.”
“What could be more important than reading books?!” the i.o. gasped, as the spaceship lifted off.
The i.o. quickly strapped on a seatbelt, as Jeff replied, his voice jiggling like jello, “There’s been an attempted AI takeover. The software engineers are on it, don’t worry. We expect to regain control within a few months.”
“The robots have taken over?!” the i.o. gasped.
“No, no. The issue is confined to just the one company. And we’re winning. Nothing to worry about, really.”
“But what if I want to read that good book?”
Jeff Bezos leaned in so close to the i.o. that their helmets actually touched.
“Don’t tell anyone this,” he whispered, “but more than one company sells books.”
There must’ve been something wrong with the inquisitive one’s oxygen supply, because the i.o. passed out.
