the inquisitive one

You may have noticed that hand sanitizer is sold out at many stores. Both brick-and-mortar stores and online stores are having trouble keeping hand sanitizer in stock.

This is because the inquisitive one has been running around, and clicking around, buying up all of the stock!

The inquisitive one, believe it or not, has rented out a massive warehouse, here in the DC area, which is now completely full of hand sanitizer! Boxes of hand sanitizer are stacked from floor to ceiling! There’s no room to walk around, only hand sanitizer in every available space!

This massive warehouse has several locks on it, and only the inquisitive one has the keys! The massive warehouse also has digital security measures, so that only a person with the inquisitive one’s eyes and fingerprints can enter!

You may be thinking, “Wow, I did not know that the inquisitive one was such a scumbag! Hoarding hand sanitizer at a time like this is cruel and, well, I don’t know how unusual, actually.”

But the inquisitive one has a plan, of which you may not yet be aware. Ever the idealist, the inquisitive one is planning to save America . . . or at least the greater DC area. The inquisitive one is going door to door, giving away hand sanitizer for free. One bottle for every person! The inquisitive one is also giving each person a mini lecture on the importance of using the hand sanitizer and otherwise washing the hands, thoroughly and regularly.

“These are trying times,” the inquisitive one explains to each and every person encountered. “They really are. No joke!”

Yes, friends, no joke. So look for the inquisitive one, the next time your doorbell rings. You may get a free bottle of hand sanitizer out of the deal!

And when this happens—and it’s sure to happen sooner rather than later—I advise you to graciously thank the inquisitive one for the gift, and then graciously bid the inquisitive one goodbye and good luck. For the inquisitive one has many, many other homes to visit after yours, and will not have time to linger over tea and crumpets. So politely close your door and, if you want, watch the inquisitive one jog over to your neighbor’s door.

I advise you to then, immediately and without delay, sanitize your hands.

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