the inquisitive one

Your phone rang. You looked down at the screen. It said, “The Inquisitive One.”

“Hi, how are you?” you said, with a smile.

“I’M IN PRISON!!!!” the inquisitive one shouted. “YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!!!!”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” you said, with a frown.

“WILL YOU COME POST TWO MILLION DOLLARS FOR MY BAIL????”

“Your bail is two million dollars?!!!”

“THEY WON’T EVEN LET ME HAVE MY DISNEY BLANKET! THEY SAY IT’S ANTI-AMERICAN! WHICH I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT DISNEY IS NOT ANTI-AMERICAN! AND I GET COLD AT NIGHT!”

“That’s awful. I’m sorry you are getting cold at night.”

“I TRIED TO CALL THE WISE ANT FIRST!!!!”

“Who’s the wise ant?”

“BUT THE WISE ANT DIDN’T PICK UP!!!!”

“Sounds pretty wise. . . .”

“AND THEN I CALLED LIZA!!!!”

“Oh, great! She will probably bail you out then!”

“BUT ALL SHE DID WAS ASK ME REPORTERLY QUESTIONS!!!! SHE WAS NO HELP AT ALL!!!!”

“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.”

“THEN THE GUARD WOULDN’T LET ME MAKE ANY MORE PHONE CALLS!!!!”

“So how are you calling me right now?”

“I BRIBED THE GUARD WITH WOOKOO™ E-CIGARETTES. Blow up your brain, not your body.™”

“The prison trade is now in e-cigarettes, instead of regular cigarettes?? And why are you talking like a commercial??”

“OH, SLAP ME IN THE FACE! IS LIZA ADDING PRODUCT PLACEMENT INTO MY STORIES????? I DON’T HAVE ANY E-CIGARETTES!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I DON’T EVEN HAVE A BLANKET!!!!”

“Listen, dear inquisitive one, you’re actually screaming. My ear is starting to hurt. Would you mind possibly lowering your—”

“WROMWROM™ PLUSH E-TOYS ARE MADE FOR CHILDREN AGES 4 to 10. KIDS LEARN SKILLS LIKE HOW TO GET E-CIGARETTES WHILE IN JAIL, HOW TO MAKE A SHIV, AND HOW TO PESTER THEIR COURT-APPOINTED ATTORNEY INTO SEMICOMPETENCE, FROM THEIR PLUSH E-COMPANIONS. Prepare them for their future.™”

“Dearest inquisitive one, how did you land in jail?”

I STORMED THE U.S. CAPITOL BUILDING!!!! BUT I DID IT BY ACCIDENT? KIND OF?”

“I’m at a loss for words, actually.”

“THE GUARD IS GLARING AT ME!!!! I NEED TO GET OFF THE PHONE!!!! WILL YOU PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME???? I NEED TWO MILLION DOLLARS, AND A BLANKET, AND—”

“One minute is remaining on this call,” said a robotic voice.

What do you say next?

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